Thinking Inside the Box: Dusting Off the Resume

While I'm not yet ready to head back into the world of cube farms and meaningless projects (of course I'll look at this pointless presentation and tell you if it would look better if printed on violet or goldenrod), I figure I should at least update my résumé and bring it at least somewhat in line with what I've been doing over the past year or so.

The only problem is that it seems like the rules of how to write out a list of your accomplishments and hand them to someone in the hopes of getting an interview are changing so often that I don't know what to do, so I end up with a mash-up of half-baked ideas that likely make me as employable as the guy who stands out by the highway and insists to me that cheese is full of tiny spy satellites. And if I stare at one more online "how to" guide on writing résumés, I may just start to believe him.

The trouble all starts at the top, with the "Objective" section of the form. I was told back in college that this little blurb was critical, compressing everything important about who I am and what I do into one sentence. The whole thing seemed just as ridiculous then as it does now (I maintain that anyone who can condense their entire personality, hopes, dreams, and aspirations into one sentence is boring, droll, and as fake as Paris Hilton's philanthropic endeavors), so I used some sort of canned phrase designed to make me look like a young go-getter who can't wait to step all over his friends and climb over the corpses of his foes to get to the top. Now I'm told that whole thing needs to go, and instead it should be replaced with… well, that's the thing, no one knows what to replace it with, so my résumé will now feature a tiny sketch of Bobba Fett playing a game of poker against Stephen King. It may be stupid, but it still makes about as much sense as the "objective" idea did in the first place.

The next thing I've learned is that now companies use all manner of software to sort résumés, and therefore you should include all sorts of keywords so the program is more likely to pick up on you and then forward your information on to a real person. The real person will then take a look at your information, realize you've simply jammed it full of buzzwords to try and get the job, and then promptly throw it into the trash while wondering while no "real" people are applying for the job. The thought will briefly cross this individual's mind that perhaps it would be best to at least scan all the incoming résumés rather than letting a machine do it, but that soul will then remember the wonderful sales pitch delivered on goldenrod paper that got the HR department to spend thousands of dollars on the software in the first place.

At any rate, this state of review has left me cramming all manner of meaningless words into my life's story, so much so that I feel like the folks playing "Buzzword Bingo" in the IBM commercial. In describing my work with Employee Evolution I found myself writing, "It is the intent of my articles to provoke a reaction which will allow me to differentiate myself from other bloggers in the realm of new media. Furthermore, the use of social networking has allowed me to better actualize my goals of extending my network and making important connections in the blogosphere." Go ahead and count the number of useless buzzwords in those two sentences alone, and then extrapolate that into a couple pages. I think next time I'm going to do it in anagram form, something like:

Anyone

Can

Trick

Unsuspecting

A.I. through

Lying about

Inconsequential

Zeitgeist

Expectations

No wonder nobody in HR knows what they're getting when they bring people in for interviews. The fact I have to write like that to even get through the screening means that in today's job market, the ability to toss out technical sounding words is far more important than anything else.

I've also heard a million different other stories about this stuff. Bullet points are better than paragraphs; don't go over a page, DEAR GOD DON'T GO OVER A PAGE!!! List your activities, no wait, don't do that, nobody cares. Make sure when you are asked for salary requirements you don't write "One hundred billion dollars Bwahahahahaha!"

I think I'm going to just ask to see the cheese guy's résumé, he seems to have it all figured out.

Leave your thoughts here. (8 responses)

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Mark M

Jun 4th, 2008 at 2:07 am

The smarter thing to do might be to bypass HR initially, and use your contact network to get in touch with – and then apply directly to – hiring bosses. You can use a human-readable CV, and if a boss hands a CV to HR for processing, it will most likely bypass the automated sorting.

Matt

Jun 4th, 2008 at 10:36 am

I'm thinking of ditching the resume and just maintaining my linkedin profile.

Maggi

Jun 4th, 2008 at 11:44 am

Take it from this career counselor, your understanding of the purpose of a resume, how to construct one, and what to do with one is waaaaaay off the mark. I'll be glad to help you if you can devise a way that your readers can "watch over our shoulders" as we work our way through the process. Interested?

Harmoic Wealth Enthusiast

Jun 4th, 2008 at 2:30 pm

In the spirit of sharing thoughts, I have a really interesting concept I would like to share with you- a friend of mine had recently read Harmonic Wealth by James Ray and showed me a section because she thought it reminded her of me. That is how it all began. (lol!)
James Ray said, "If your not growing, you're dying." Six simple words that I really needed to hear. I guess it was because I was complaining to my friend that I just wasn't feeling stimulated enough. It wasn't as if I was doing anything "bad" in my life, so I was not sure why I was not feeling right. After learning this idea, I realized that "staying at even par" is not enough. That bad feeling was because by not growing, I was staying in the same place, just plodding along towards my death in a way. Doing nothing has negative consequences. But if I was to start growing, I would be moving my life forward, expanding it into something much more exciting! That's what living is all about.
After I finished reading Harmonic Wealth, I realized I needed to commit myself to a lifetime of learning – it did not end when I threw my graduation cap in the air. Check it out for yourself… (Link) By the way, the Spanish classes I singed up for are going great
Here's the link to the website where I bought the book: harmonicwealth.com/read
- A JR Fan

Devin Reams

Jun 4th, 2008 at 3:28 pm

So much of what career counselors, experts, and especially websites are going to contradict each other. I'm sure something Maggi says will go against what a CEO at a company is going to say he wants to see on a resume–a lot comes down to a preference.

Matt makes a good point — I've just been maintaining Linkedin and letting it do the hard work (PDF, formatting, etc).

But even better is what Mark said: all of my jobs / clients (about five) came from a network connection. Sure, a resume was there–but it was passed along just to have talking points and an understanding of my background. I don't maintain a portfolio but the Ryan's wanted me to help with their site…

Scott M

Jun 4th, 2008 at 4:30 pm

Bobba Fett …… Stephen King…..WORLDS COLLIDING!!….OWWWW!

HR Wench

Jun 4th, 2008 at 6:39 pm

Dude, you are waaaaaay over thinking things.

Laurie Ruettimann

Jun 4th, 2008 at 6:58 pm

The safest thing to do is to write a semi-decent resume and try to change the system once you have a job.

Also, I would always work under the 'default assumption' that your HR liaison to the company is an anonymous blogger who will send a crappy, self-actualized resume to Not Hired.

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