Thinking Inside the Box: And So It Ends

Published by Brad H. on April 22nd, 2008 in Humor, Work | 13 Comments

As soon as your born they make you feel small,
By giving you no time instead of it all,
Till the pain is so big you feel nothing at all

Last Thursday was my last day on the job. It all felt so surreal, from waking up and making the short commute one last time, to taking down the pictures and decorations that had kept me sane over the past year (surprising how good fuzzy dice and a stuffed walrus can be for the soul). The whole day was rather odd; as no one could remember the last time someone had quit our department. That's not saying everyone who ever worked their loved their job and never wanted to do something else, but rather that all those who had departed in recent memory had been "asked to leave."

I get the feeling the same fate may have befallen me if I had stayed much longer. After all, you can only jump on the conference table and sing "It's Raining Men" so many times before people begin to worry that something may be off…especially if you're married.

So the morning was filled with awkward conversations and assorted well wishes. People squeezing a few seconds into their day to say goodbye to the young guy who was an amusing presence, but never quite fit in with the group because he was too ambitious. Oh well, a quick handshake and a few kind words and you can be off, free to forget that the fellow ever even occupied the cubicle.

They hurt you at home and they hit you at school,
They hate you if you're clever and they despise a fool,
Till you're so f***ing crazy you can't follow their rules

After a couple hours it was time for the exit interview. I headed up to HR to figure out what the tax rate was going to be on my vacation hours (28 percent?!?! Really?!?! Did I just move up 3 tax brackets?), learn that my health insurance was terminated "as of today" (Here's hoping for now crippling illnesses or car accidents for the next few weeks), and that my retirement fund was forfeited (you have to work there 2 years to be "vested").

After all the technical stuff it was time for my feedback about the job. Now, if you've been reading this column for any number of weeks you probably already have a sense for how this went. I told the HR rep as politely as I could that you didn't really need a particularly trained person for my job, and that they would be just as well served hiring a slightly smarter than average chimp. You could pay him in bananas and tire swings, and he'd be the happiest little primate in all the land. I chose not to air my grievances about always managing to pick up the onion bagel at staff meetings, as I assumed that was my own bad luck rather than a vast company conspiracy. You never know though…

When they've tortured and scared you for twenty odd years,
Then they expect you to pick a career,
When you can't really function you're so full of fear

At lunch it was time for the big goodbye, orchestrated by one of my coworkers whose company I quite enjoyed while there. The email was sent out to all corners, letting the entire department know that this would be the last hurrah, a time to say farewell and reminisce about the good times.

There are 12 people in my old department, 2 of them came. I don't think any more needs to be said than that. Even my good friend, who had commiserated with me time and time again, and whose weekly lunch outings kept me from throwing calculators at passersby on particularly frustrating days couldn't make it. The good news was that some of those who couldn't come chipped in a dollar or two to help cover my lunch, so at least some people made a gesture. Unfortunately, the coworker who planned the lunch forgot the money back at the office. Oh well, seems like pretty much par for the course.

There's room at the top they are telling you still,
But first you must learn how to smile as you kill,
If you want to be like the folks on the hill

When we got back I started the laborious process of surviving the last few hours and packing up my stuff. The funny thing was, I only had one job-related knick-knack to throw in my box; the rest was all random clutter I had brought from home or picked up at gaming conventions. The sad truth was that my life had stood directly at odds with my job. The good news was, that was all about to change, and as I handed over my keys and security card I felt a strange sensation I hadn't felt in nearly a year.

Relief.

It was over, my time was served, and I was finally going home. I sit here now, happily unemployed, grinning from ear to ear amidst the boxes of clothes and clutter that I will be loading onto a truck in a couple weeks to take with me as my wife and I start a new life somewhere else. A new adventure is calling, and I know that if it hadn't been for my year of misery, I wouldn't be anywhere near as ready to launch into the unknown.

Get ready Washington, DC, because here I come.

A working class hero is something to be.
A working class hero is something to be.
~"Working Class Hero" -John Lennon

8 Tips to Boost Your Image Through Killer Writing

Published by Pete Kistler on April 22nd, 2008 in Blogging, Personal Development | 5 Comments

Whether they're right or not, your audience forms impressions of you based on your writing.

Readers assume that if your…

• Writing is sloppy: You don't care about quality.
• Writing is unclear: You can't communicate ideas effectively.
• Writing rambles on: You have no sense of purpose.
• Writing is formatted poorly: You have no sense of design.
• Writing is not tailored to your audience: You don't care about others' needs.
• Writing is too informal: You are immature.
• Writing is unorganized: You can't convey information effectively.

Luckily, writing clearly and effectively is easier than you think. The following 8 tips will significantly enhance your ability to communicate:

1. Decide for whom you're writing.

Put yourself in your audience's shoes: What do they want to find out about you? Make sure you give them what they want. Where do they expect to find what they're looking for? Make sure it's where they expect it to be.

2. Get to the point.

Writing is most effective when it's simple. Your reader doesn't want to follow you down a garden path. Almost anything can be clarified by putting it into fewer words.

3. Keep it skimmable.

Accept the fact that your reader is going to skim-read your content. Not because they don't like you, but because that's how people read text online. They should be able to grasp everything you have to say by reading only the first sentence of every paragraph. Always state your main point before you give reasoning that leads to it.

4. Use short sentences.

Simple writing is the single best way to communicate more effectively. If you were taught that longer sentences convey greater intelligence, you were taught wrong. The less extraneous words you use, the better you communicate.

The amount of time required to process a sentence with n words is n^3. If you cut the length of a sentence in half, it will be 8 times easier to read.

5. Don't sound stuffy.

Only use a Thesaurus for words that express an idea more accurately or more succinctly. If you use one to make yourself appear smarter, you'll end up sounding even less intelligent. Don't try to sound sophisticated or formal either, or you'll come off as stuffy.

6. Play the Devil's advocate.

Is there anything that might be misunderstood? If so, change it so that it can't be.

7. Proofread, proofread, proofread.

Fix grammar, spelling and punctuation. Then have two other people go through it for mistakes.

8. Keep formatting simple.

Use bulleted lists to convey information quickly. Use bold headings to help the reader decide which section will tell them what they need to know.

Evaluate right now how much you use these eight points.

How many do you regularly incorporate into your writing? Work them each into your writing process to enhance your ability to effectively communicate and exude a personal brand that stands for quality and clarity.