Thinking Inside the Box: Garden Level, Much Like the Cake, Is a Lie
Published by Brad H. on February 6th, 2008 in Humor, Work | 7 CommentsFirst and foremost, +1,000 geek points to any of you who understood the reference in today's title. For the rest of you, have a chat with your video-game addicted friend and ask him about Portal and its significance in relation to cake.
Now then, on with the show.
When I interviewed for my current job, I made it a point to ask about the physical properties of where I would be working. I wasn't doing this to be a diva (is divo the male equivalent?), but rather because I already knew I had the job and just wanted to get a sense for what the office was like. While I couldn't go take an actual tour of the department, I was assured that it was clean, friendly, and on the "garden level."
This news was very exciting to me, as garden level sounded like the nicest place in the whole building to work. In fact, near the front of our place of business is a beautiful arrangement of flowers and shrubs, whose very presence screamed, "Come on in, it's wonderful here! Oh, and while you're at it, would you mind giving us a big ol' sack of money?" You see, I work for a fundraising non-profit, our very existence is owed to the fact that the man in charge can get money from even the most miserly old curmudgen. In fact, once I was talking with him and just had the overwhelming urge to give him all the money in my wallet. I simply said, "I only have $5, but I know you can do more with it than I ever will." He then took that $5 and created seven scholarships. I think he's magic, either that or counterfiting cash like crazy. So you see, the building has to exude an air of welcome and joy, because only happy people will give you their hard-earned cash.
Even if I wasn't working up with the happy flowers and shrubs, the back part of our building is adjacent to a golf course, so it just seemed like I was about to find myself in a world full of sunshine and joy.
But was I wrong…
You see, it turns out that "garden level" is a fancy term for basement. Yeah, I went from communing with nature and enjoying the first buds of spring, to life as one of the mole men, only allowed to emerge from my subterranean lair when my toils were finished and I was deemed fit to leave.
There are no flowers on the garden level, only a few bushes of unknown origin outside one set of doors. Our other set of doors open below the loading dock, because nothing screams nature like a big, smelly truck delivering this week's shipment of napkins and linens that we use to impress potential clients who enter our building through the real "garden level."
Obviously, being as I work in a basement, there are no windows, so I can go through a whole day and not even know what the weather is like. It's supposed to snow this Friday, we could get up to 10 inches, and everyone upstairs with their windows will likely be long gone before us poor underlings (and I use the word in the most literal sense) even know our vehicles are buried in snow drifts. I suppose management assumes that ignorance is bliss.
So I warn you dear readers, if you interview for a position and you are told you'll be working on the garden level, don't expect to see anything remotely resembling a garden. Of course, I suppose you could dig up a corner of the office and plant your own beans and carrots. Oh, and I hear watermelon just grows like crazy under fluorescent lighting. Of course you may get some complaints from coworkers after you apply that fifth bag of fertilizer, but they'll thank you when you make them a nice homemade salad for the company picnic.
Garden level is a lie, now where's that cake I was promised?
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Leave your thoughts here. (7 responses)
This article´s comments All Employee Evolution commentsSean
Feb 6th, 2008 at 9:03 amYes indeed, sometimes it's all about the spin, isn't it. This is why I avoid anything described as "cozy" or "comfort grip" (if it's intended to "grip", then it probably isn't "comfort").
One of my early jobs outside of grad school was with a company who actually owned the office building I worked in, which means we got the windowless basement offices (so that the nice ones upstairs could be used by paying clients). In all honesty, I learned to love it down there; sometimes I kind of miss it to this day. I only worried about the weather if I knew something bad like a snowstorm was expected, but otherwise, the lack of distractions–natural and personal–helped me stay focused and increased my productivity. Nowadays, a window only reminds me that there's a beautiful world out there, in which I'm unable to participate for the next 8 hours. So count your blessings, Brad!
(All about the spin … )
Chrissy - The Executive Assistant's Toolbox
Feb 6th, 2008 at 9:41 amI have to say, your column makes me laugh out loud! You're hilarious. I hope they're employing you as a comedian at that non-profit. Otherwise, you're being massively under-utilized. You've put a smile on my face first thing on a Wednesday morning – quite an accomplishment, my friend!
C
David
Feb 6th, 2008 at 11:41 am::sings in computerized voice::
This was a triumph,
I'm making a note here, "huge success…" :p
Nice column, I read this blog all the time but never comment.
Brad H.
Feb 6th, 2008 at 1:36 pmSean: I wish I could share your joy in the windowless world, but I just can't. My old job had me on the 12th floor so I got to look out the window and see what was going on whenever I needed a break. For some reason, being able to see the city stretch out around me just made the day a little easier to get through.
As for the spin, I know all about that. I always get a kick out of press releases describing products as the next big thing when they're really just garbage. The sad thing is, we all know it's malarky, yet we play the game anyway. Of course, just cutting the crap is utterly impossible.
Chrissy: Sadly no, I'm not being employed as a comedian, but maybe I should be… I can tell them they can bring me in during the events to loosen up the donors and get them laughing, then they can swoop in and clean out the wallets and purses before they even know what hit 'em. Of course, I'd have to develop a new routine, as they may not find it that funny to hear me taking shots (albeit witty ones) and the place which is wining and dining them.
David: I'm glad you enjoyed the piece so much you felt compelled to comment. Now we have hooked you on our sweet sweet drug, haha!!!!!! Er…um… I mean… good to have you along, I hope you have a pleasant stay here…
Rachel R.
Feb 6th, 2008 at 3:39 pmI'm still waiting for my window…but let's face it, I'm just happy to have my own office.
michael cardus
Feb 7th, 2008 at 7:59 amGarden Level – How great that company must be excellent with spin!
I used to work for a wonderfully beautiful conference center and guess where the admin. & sales offices were. The basement – we felt the same way a dark dank grey basement. WHen it rained or the snow melted here in buffalo – the ceiling would leak and the carpet would flood!
WHen I left my old job there were actual mushroom growing out of the moist carpet!
I wish you luck in the basement -
Brad H.
Feb 8th, 2008 at 10:21 amRachel: I miss having an office. Once upon a time I had an office across the hall from a window, then I got moved into an interior office. Then I changed jobs and got a basement cube. I seem to be doing it all backwards…
Michael: Did you take the mushroom with you when you left? Probably not, better to leave it for those still stuck down in the basement. There may come a time when one of them figures it's better to take their chances with the mystery fungus rather than face another day in the dungeon.