Thinking Inside the Box: I Can't Take You People Anywhere

My department has a fun little tradition where whenever it is someone's birthday, we all go out for lunch. The birthday boy (or girl) is treated to a free meal, as we buy a card and then all chip in a dollar so they can have a happy birthday while the rest of us blow our entire food budget for the week.

It's normally a nice little tradition whose only downside is the fact that it seems like every time I turn around someone's having a birthday and I have to dig out a buck. It's frustrating because I haven't carried cash since college, and you can't very well go to the ATM and request $1. It actually laughs at you if you do, go ahead and try it sometime.

Recently, it was time for an office excursion once again, so we headed off to "Local Midwestern Casual Dining Restaurant." Upon arriving we were promptly seated and met by "Earnest Yet Inept Server."

"Hi! I'm Earnest Yet Inept Server, and I'm going to be taking extra good care of you today." I should have known from this simple sentence that things weren't going to go well.

You see, whenever you go to eat, you should fear the server who attaches adjectives to sentences that don't need them. "I'm going to take great care of you," usually means "I'm fairly good at this job, but I've been known to fall down and drop soup in laps." "Extra good care," in addition to being a twisting of the language that makes my brain cry, implies that not only is this server not a member of the varsity serving squad, but very well may be a danger to everyone in the restaurant. Sure enough, it didn't take long for Earnest Yet Inept Server to prove my theory.

Things started off with simple drink orders, mostly water with a few sodas. Upon returning with the drinks, one of my coworkers pointed out that she received a regular soda when she asked for diet. "No problem," declares EYIS, who was off to the drink station to set the universe right. Unfortunately, in his zeal to fetch a new beverage he managed to knock over at least 6 full glasses of soda ready for another table. We're off to a great start.

After a solid fifteen minutes of us staring at menus and wondering if we have to somehow conjure the food out of the table using our obvious superpowers, EYIS returned to take our orders. Things go well, and then "Diet Soda Coworker" mentions that it sure would be nice to have some bread for the table. Our ever diligent server promises to get right on it, and then disappears into what I can only assume is another dimension, one likely populated by giant, constantly spilling drink glasses and perpetually empty bread baskets.

Twenty-seven minutes and thirteen seconds latter our food arrives, just as the fifth member of our party keels over from lack of bread (now I know what those poor pioneers had to suffer on the trek out West). EYIS is followed by two other servers and what can only be described as a passive-aggressive, mildly irritated kitchen staffer with our various dishes. He plops down our food and is off once again; thankfully "Attractive Server" lingers for a moment to ask if anyone needs a drink refill or sodium pentothal injection. God bless you dear, you're the only hint of kindness we've seen yet today.

As we eat, Diet Soda Coworker decides her soup is too cold and too large, so she'll take it to go and eat it later. She asks EYIS for a bowl, and he returns a few minutes later with a small Styrofoam vessel. Diet Soda Coworker is sure this will not do, so she asks for another bowl. EYIS brings four, in a not-so subtle "screw you" to everyone at the table. Diet Soda Coworker decides now would be the perfect time to make a scene, and it's not long before the manager comes over have a little chat.

After some harsh words and implied threats of physical violence we paid our checks and were off, with EYIS getting no tip beyond the mandatory gratuity that has already been added to each bill. And so ends my adventure to Midwestern Casual Dining Restaurant with a server who ranked somewhere between awful and unbearable, and a coworker who decided that there was no reason for him to be left with even an ounce of self-confidence.

The best part…my birthday is next. I think we'll just order in.

Leave your thoughts here. (12 responses)

This article´s comments All Employee Evolution comments

Monica O'Brien

Jan 30th, 2008 at 8:58 am

I noticed the comments were open this week =D.

I can tell this is going to be a great regular column to start Wednesday mornings with. You are very funny.

Melanie

Jan 30th, 2008 at 11:13 am

Haha, that sounded like to Dilbert cartoon. Well said. I was glad when I moved to a new dept and we do birthdays different. Instead of chipping in a $1 or so every birthday, we rotate. So you are responsible to buy the cake for the person whose birthday falls after yours. We don't do the lunch thing, but that could work too if you rotate who pays for the birthday gal/guy's lunch. Much easier to get a $20 than a $1.

Brad H.

Jan 30th, 2008 at 3:36 pm

Monica: Glad you enjoyed it, my objective is to get you through the mid-week and help you push on through to Friday. Well, that and venting about the frustrations of having a miserable job, but it's mostly about getting you through the week.

Melanie: The Dilbert analogy has had me thinking about which strip characters the people I work with would be. Personally, I'd like to be Dogbert since he's the evil genius.

The cake idea is interesting, but what if someone gets carrot cake? Ugh, that person should be fired immediately, I don't want vegetable flavored sugary goodness. Either fired or at least cast out until they return contrite with a confetti cake topped with whipped cream icing.

Melanie

Jan 30th, 2008 at 4:53 pm

re: cake, usually you do a little research and find out what kind of cake/dessert the person would like. we have a vegetarian and a couple diabetics on our team so we've done a taco bar or fruit&veggie plate before. either way i only feel pressured once a year to contribute instead of every birthday!

michael cardus

Jan 30th, 2008 at 5:55 pm

Another example of all jobs are not for all people.
This is why I have avoided to food industry like the plague all my career.

david giesberg dot com » Blog Archive » Saturday Morning Cool Links

Feb 2nd, 2008 at 11:32 am

[...] I Can't Take You People Anywhere (Employee Evolution) Funny story about going out for a birthday lunch with coworkers [...]

Sean

Feb 2nd, 2008 at 11:52 pm

Brad, thanks for sharing; this was fun. We've had an ongoing discussion where I work about how we feel about casual dining restaurants, and specifically about the relatively recent invent of the "buddy server" (they call you "you guys" no matter what gender mix is represented at the table; they crouch next to you when taking your order, or sit in one of the empty chairs at your table after turning it around so they can lean on the back; and/or, as you pointed out, they assure you that they're going to take "extra good care" of everyone at the table). Somebody out there must appreciate that serving style, since it's become so ubiquitous, but certainly nobody does where I work.

Brad H.

Feb 4th, 2008 at 9:56 am

Sean: I absolutely despise the "buddy server" mentality. When they sit down in the booth with me is the worst. I can't help but think, "You know, we don't really know each other and I'm not sure how I feel about you being inside my personal bubble." I'd really prefer if we keep the traditional model of I order food, you bring food, you occassionally provide drink refill, I pay you for food and leave a nice tip because you've been so helpful.

Kate Hutchinson

Feb 5th, 2008 at 9:08 am

I think part of the problem is Casual Dining Restaurants (TGI Fridays, Chili's, etc) are run for profit, not for the purpose of sharing good food with the general public. I try to avoid them because I'd rather eat somewhere that cares about what goes on at dinner rather than the bottom line. My favorite restaurant in Boston is Chow Thai Cafe in Charlestown because the place is cozy, the food is superb, and the owner is there at the front counter and always comes over to ask how the meal is and chats with the customers.

Turning 24 in Corporate America | Twenty Set

Feb 11th, 2008 at 12:08 pm

[...] my team from decorating my desk with streamers and inappropriate but funny balloons yesterday.  For lunch, we went to one of my favorite Thai restaurants and no one complained about splitting the bill.  [...]

Edith O' Connor

Mar 14th, 2009 at 2:02 pm

This is the best post I ever read, I will bookmark this, thx!

Celebrating Birthdays Is Essential To Building A Millennial-Friendly Workplace — Social Pollination

Mar 11th, 2010 at 4:34 pm

[...] my team from decorating my desk with streamers and inappropriate but funny balloons yesterday.  For lunch, we went to one of my favorite Thai restaurants and no one complained about splitting the bill.  [...]

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