Thinking Inside the Box: I Can't Take You People Anywhere

Published by Brad H. on January 30th, 2008 in Humor, Work | 12 Comments

My department has a fun little tradition where whenever it is someone's birthday, we all go out for lunch. The birthday boy (or girl) is treated to a free meal, as we buy a card and then all chip in a dollar so they can have a happy birthday while the rest of us blow our entire food budget for the week.

It's normally a nice little tradition whose only downside is the fact that it seems like every time I turn around someone's having a birthday and I have to dig out a buck. It's frustrating because I haven't carried cash since college, and you can't very well go to the ATM and request $1. It actually laughs at you if you do, go ahead and try it sometime.

Recently, it was time for an office excursion once again, so we headed off to "Local Midwestern Casual Dining Restaurant." Upon arriving we were promptly seated and met by "Earnest Yet Inept Server."

"Hi! I'm Earnest Yet Inept Server, and I'm going to be taking extra good care of you today." I should have known from this simple sentence that things weren't going to go well.

You see, whenever you go to eat, you should fear the server who attaches adjectives to sentences that don't need them. "I'm going to take great care of you," usually means "I'm fairly good at this job, but I've been known to fall down and drop soup in laps." "Extra good care," in addition to being a twisting of the language that makes my brain cry, implies that not only is this server not a member of the varsity serving squad, but very well may be a danger to everyone in the restaurant. Sure enough, it didn't take long for Earnest Yet Inept Server to prove my theory.

Things started off with simple drink orders, mostly water with a few sodas. Upon returning with the drinks, one of my coworkers pointed out that she received a regular soda when she asked for diet. "No problem," declares EYIS, who was off to the drink station to set the universe right. Unfortunately, in his zeal to fetch a new beverage he managed to knock over at least 6 full glasses of soda ready for another table. We're off to a great start.

After a solid fifteen minutes of us staring at menus and wondering if we have to somehow conjure the food out of the table using our obvious superpowers, EYIS returned to take our orders. Things go well, and then "Diet Soda Coworker" mentions that it sure would be nice to have some bread for the table. Our ever diligent server promises to get right on it, and then disappears into what I can only assume is another dimension, one likely populated by giant, constantly spilling drink glasses and perpetually empty bread baskets.

Twenty-seven minutes and thirteen seconds latter our food arrives, just as the fifth member of our party keels over from lack of bread (now I know what those poor pioneers had to suffer on the trek out West). EYIS is followed by two other servers and what can only be described as a passive-aggressive, mildly irritated kitchen staffer with our various dishes. He plops down our food and is off once again; thankfully "Attractive Server" lingers for a moment to ask if anyone needs a drink refill or sodium pentothal injection. God bless you dear, you're the only hint of kindness we've seen yet today.

As we eat, Diet Soda Coworker decides her soup is too cold and too large, so she'll take it to go and eat it later. She asks EYIS for a bowl, and he returns a few minutes later with a small Styrofoam vessel. Diet Soda Coworker is sure this will not do, so she asks for another bowl. EYIS brings four, in a not-so subtle "screw you" to everyone at the table. Diet Soda Coworker decides now would be the perfect time to make a scene, and it's not long before the manager comes over have a little chat.

After some harsh words and implied threats of physical violence we paid our checks and were off, with EYIS getting no tip beyond the mandatory gratuity that has already been added to each bill. And so ends my adventure to Midwestern Casual Dining Restaurant with a server who ranked somewhere between awful and unbearable, and a coworker who decided that there was no reason for him to be left with even an ounce of self-confidence.

The best part…my birthday is next. I think we'll just order in.