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Brad is a freelance writer trying to make it big in the video game industry. When he's not desperately pleading for your attention with his weekly Employee Evolution column, he is an editorialist for 
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New here? Employee Evolution is a blog written by Ryan Healy. Ryan is a Co-Founder of Brazen Careerist, the webs #1 social network for young professionals. Ryan speaks with organizations on best practices for recruiting and retaining Generation Y and how to effectively use social media to reach your target market. To contact Ryan, please visit our contact page.
Please welcome Brad Hilderbrand, a fellow twentysomething and all around funny guy. Brad will be writing for Employee Evolution on Wednesdays to help us keep the mood light and remember that a good musing can go a long way when the workweek is only half over. Hang in there and enjoy.
If there’s one day every employee dreads it’s performance review day. Bad employees get their comeuppance for that hour-long nap they take every afternoon, while good employees start sweating every little thing they could have done over the past six months to raise their boss’ ire.
Remember that one day back in October when you left five minutes early on a Friday so you could meet up with your buddies to go to a haunted house? Yeah, that’s probably going to come up. So it was with great trepidation and anxiety that I recently faced my execution…I mean review.
I trudged to work that day and the clock slowed to an absolute crawl. My review was at 10 a.m. and every minute took longer to pass than the last. By the time 9:50 rolled around I felt as though I had gone through three lifetimes; in one of them I was a pirate. That was a good one.
At 9:55 I realized I COULD make a break for it. By the time they knew I was gone I’d be halfway to Canada, and we all know they don’t do performance reviews there, it’s too cold. Knowing my luck though the exits were sealed, and any attempt at escape would be thwarted by the chip I’m still sure they implanted in my brain during that dreadfully boring orientation video.
While lost in my thoughts I lost track of the time…10 a.m. The governor wasn’t calling and I wasn’t getting a pardon, time to face the music.
I showed up at my boss’ office. “Come on in, close the door,” she said. Those last three words portend doom.
No matter what happens now, no one is coming to save me, I’m alone. I’m going to have to think fast now. The time I was doing the shopping online, well that was because my wife’s birthday was coming up and she couldn’t know what I was getting her. The fact that I’m writing this very post during work hours, well this is a recruitment tool you see, liable to bring more people into our little working community once they see we can laugh at each other.
I looked at my boss and she began, “Let’s see what there is to talk about…”
Have those words ever been followed by something good? It’s not like that sentence ends with “…would you like a $2,000 raise and the candy bar of your choice?” No, normally it’s more along the lines of “…you know how we’ve been talking about making sure the company runs at peak efficiency? Well you’re what we consider to be non-essential personnel.”
Most of the conversation was typical boring office tripe. Mainly the boss telling me that I’m doing a good job and that an internal investigation had determined I probably didn’t start the fire that nearly wiped out the Accounting Department.
The crux of our conversation focused on burnout and finding meaning for my work. Funny thing is, I’m not the first person to feel this way. I’m the third person to hold this position, and my two predecessors quit because they just felt like they were repeatedly running headlong into a wall. And every time they asked management why they were running headlong into said wall, management said, “It’s for the good of the order. Now back to work, you’re not bleeding enough to take a lunch break.”
So obviously, it couldn’t be the work that drove us all crazy, nope we must all just not be doing it right.
My boss and I agreed that I should take some vacation time. Of course, we all know there’s no better time to be outside than in January when the daily highs only reach the double digits on special occasions. The boss thinks I should go somewhere tropical; I think she should buy the plane ticket and finance the hotel accommodations. So instead I sit in my little felt box, looking at pictures of tropical places and trying to contain my rage.
So yeah, the review went well. And in a couple weeks I’m taking two whole days off in the height of winter to “de-stress.” Hopefully writing this weekly column won’t be hampered; obviously they expect me to come back with all my cynicism cleansed and sarcastic tones wiped away.
But fear not dear readers, I’m planning on being here for a while.
Readers:
When I woke up this morning, I was pretty bummed to see that there were no comments on Brad’s post. I really enjoyed reading his muse and figured a lot of people would have similar experiences to share.
Imagine my surprise when Brad sent me an email telling me that there was no comment box on his debut post. Hopefully he’ll forgive me. It is the dreaded Hump Day of course.
Sorry everyone! Comments are up and running. Let the dialogue begin.
-RP
Hey Ryan, thanks for fixing whatever it was that was ailing the comments section.
I know deep in your heart you were just trying to protect me from the sharp comments of some of our more rowdy readers, but I’ll have to be a big boy and take whatever barbs they may throw my way. I promise I’ll be strong.
Anyway, no worries about the hiccup with the hardware, now this gives me leverage make you keep publishing even if I stink. I can always just whip out the old “Remember how you disabled comments on my debut article, likely crippling my readership” card.
Brad,
Welcome! I’m certainly glad to someone fill our recently vacant Wednesday humor hole.
And yes, I do know exactly how you feel. Painfully well.
Your post couldn’t have come at a better time, since workplace drama had already ruined any chance at having a decent day today. All the more reason for me to relate to your cynicism and sarcasm.
So keep up the good work - and try not to get too much blood on the wall. It annoys the cleaning crew.
The president of my company had this brillant idea that performance reviews would be much more pleasant if they took place over a meal. Sadly, he was mistaken. It is the most anxiety filled meal of your entire life. And the car ride there doesn’t help matters either!
Brad,
That was a great post. I have not had the pleasure of experiencing a review before, but you painted the picture that I always imagined. Keep the posts coming, and keep making Wednesday more tolerable for everyone!
Jacqui: I’m glad my little ramblings could help you through your day, I aim to be a beacon of sarcasm in a world that takes itself to seriously. Oh, and I make it a point to leave a note apologizing to the cleaning crew when I leave the walls a bloody mess, that’s just being courteous.
Dorie: I can’t imagine throwing a meal on top of a review, that would be terrible! I’d think I was being judged every time I took a bite of food, and obviously my boss would ask for my thoughts just as I shovel in a forkful of food. And the car ride… man, if that isn’t the most awkward experience known to all humankind I don’t know what is.
Dan: Consider yourself lucky you’ve never had the joy of a performance review, I think we could all do without them. This was my first “official” review (I had an informal review 2 months after I started) and I imagine the feeling is the same as the poor folks who signed up for the short lived “Hot or Not” TV show. Basically, you get paraded out, all your faults are laid bare, and then you’re sent away broken. Yep, it’s great for morale.
After 15 years of performance reviews, mine were rather relaxing. I knew that they didn’t really mean anything.
Recently, our company instituted a quarterly review process, which I found encouraging. While the review process will now actually mean something, and perhaps be more stressful, at least I will get more timely feedback.
Reviews are to take place every 3 months.
My last one was 4 months ago.
I’m still waiting.
Sigh….
Reviews are to take place every 3 months.
My last one was 4 months ago.
Heh. We also have quarterly reviews, and interestingly enough it’s been about 4 months since my last review as well. At least I can count on the big yearly review (which includes annual raise) coming up…or can I?
But seeing as how the first 3 went, I really can’t fear the reviews. I guess in my own mind, I’m doing 1) everything I can to the best of my ability and 2) everything I can with the tools that you give me. If they want more out of me, they’ll have to either 1) give me more training or 2) give me more authority.
I also feel like reviews are not often used by employees enough. I continually ask for both more training and more authority/autonomy, and reviews are a great time to do it.
I think if you’re dreading your performance review, you already know (perhaps subconsciously, if not consciously) that something is very wrong with your work environment.
Only once have I ever had a review that I wasn’t pleased with (and I was young and naive and didn’t know how to handle it and I cried and the whole nine and that’s a whole ‘nother story), but I wasn’t expecting it to be a terrible experience. Hindsight being 20/20, it wasn’t actually that terrible and the aftermath didn’t have to be, either, which speaks to the environment I worked in.
Now, knowing that your performance review doesn’t necessarily mean a whole lot and someone else (i.e., the corporate formula) is going to determine your raise anyway is a whole ‘nother issue. In fact, given that, I’d be even less worried about it. Besides, if you have a good relationship with your boss, you should already have feedback and there should be no surprises. Plus, my boss mostly cut-and-pastes from my self-assessment.
It doesn’t have to suck is all I’m saying. How many times do people go into a review (or the review meal, eek!) all anxious only to have it go just fine?
welcome aboard brad. enjoyed ur piece. i am coming up on my first one-year anniversary of ft employment since i completed my undergrad and anticipate sitting through my first performance review. this gives me something to look forward to i guess…
Scott and Nathan: I’m glad you guys are both so at ease with your reviews, it must be nice to not have to stress too much about it going in. I’m a little jealous Nathan, my annual raise doesn’t come until July, assuming we even get raises this year. Often I feel like every time we have a staff meeting they’re telling me, “Somebody’s getting rich… but it’s not you!”
Erica: I’d agree that by and large, most reviews go well. Most of mine was pretty uneventful, with only the bits I mentioned being worth noting. I have monthly meetings with my boss where I constantly tell her that I’m bored and need more challenging work. While I feel like most times this is met with her re-enacting scenes from various TV shows and movies in her head, I’ve repeated it enough that now she’s trying to get me involved in a few new projects to keep things interesting. It’s just unfortunate it took me 8 months to get through to her. If I were more comfortable in my job I wouldn’t worry about my reviews so much. However, if I were comfortable I likely wouldn’t be writing this column, so I suppose things are better this way.
Gustavo Good luck on your upcoming review, hopefully they’ll give you a nice big raise and let you spin the prize wheel.
If not, then maybe you can at least get some pats on the back and a few “attaboys.”
I’m 23 and have had my current job for a little more than 5 months now. Unfortunately (or fortunately?) I’ve never had a performance review in my life. Is it true that as a twentysomething just starting out in the real world, you should ask for a review every six months even if your company says they only do them annually? Do you think it’s a good idea to face your fears of the dreaded performance review and appear determined to find out what you do well and what you don’t do well after only six months rather than a year? Can asking for an early performance review actually benefit you? I have a good relationship with my boss, and I don’t think I should have anything potentially surprising to fear. I’m obviously asking this because six months is coming up soon for me at my job.
Josh: It would be nice to have an HR pro weigh in on this in order to give you the best answer. At my company, we do reviews in July and December, regardless of how long you’ve been working here. My July review was “informal” since I had only been working here a few months, but all the content was the same, I just didn’t get a raise when it was over (oh sure, take out the fun part). I suppose there’s nothing wrong with asking your boss for an informal review if you’re genuinely interested, I would think he or she would be impressed by you asking. Of course, that’s just my view, and I doubt an career advice should be taken by my word alone.
My previous boss asked me if I’d taken any vacation time and I responded “Does it seem like I need to take some vacation time?” It’s never a good sign when your boss notices that you haven’t taken time off.
With that being said, performance reviews don’t have to suck. If your boss is open to it, use the review as an opportunity to talk about what’s working and what isn’t working for you in your current position. Don’t use it as an opportunity to sound off, but rather a chance to have a conversation about how you might be able to tweak your current responsibilities so it makes sense for both parties. It also helps to keep track of your accomplishments throughout the year so you’re not racking your brain trying to remember things you did six months ago. For tips on how to approach the review, check out my recent Fast Company post blog.fastcompany.com/experts/sgraham/2008/01/careers_painfree_performance_r.html