Career vs Love: Which Would You Pick?

I'm relatively young (24) and married, and although I often get the urge to pull an all night working on a project, I don't.

Why?

It's way more important to go to sleep happy with my wife than to spend time working.

Maybe I'm a romantic, but you can always find work … you can't always find love.

Kelvin,

Interesting post. I'd have to say I disagree with your closing comment, "If you ever find yourself in a position where you have to choose a career or choose love, make sure you choose love." It seems as if you have both, right? It just took you a while to get there and thankfully, the girl came back to you. How would your life be different if you had chosen love to begin with? Would you have dropped out of Law School?

I'm driven by my work. I love what I do and therefore, do it all the time (I have 3 different jobs right now). However, if I was ever in a relationship where my boyfriend demanded time from me and couldn't support me in my work, the relationship would end quickly. My belief is to be supportive to my significant other in whatever makes him happy. Yes, there has to be time for me built in somewhere, but maybe that means us working on our own projects, but being in the same room together and taking a break to share a meal, then going back to work.

Maybe I'm the 'abnormal' female with my way of supporting a man in his work. It doesn't have to be work, either, but can be whatever he's passionate about…hunting (ICK), sports, auto repair, gaming, politics, whatever! I find joy and happiness in supporting him and what makes him happy. Don't hear me wrong, I'm not one of those girls to throw my hopes and dreams, or work, to the wayside to be 'that girl' who follows her man around and can't think for herself. That will NEVER be me! =)

At the same time I'm supporting him, he'd better be supporting me. You did mention that both you and your girlfriend had to make changes. It's a two-way street. Congrats on finding the balance between work and love. That is what people should choose when faced with making the decision.

Interesting post. What would you do in the situation that one of you got a great job far away – would you move? Expect her to move? I know several couples currently in that situation and would love your input – thanks!

Awesome post. I could definitely relate to the self-deception that we're making sacrifices to be these great somebodies someday, when in fact, we're not really even sure what we're doing yet.

Jobs, careers, etc., they come and go. What I've learned from my experiences thus far is 1. you can get a new job/career, but you can't replace the people you love, and 2. you don't know what's in store for you yet. Life can be amazing when you let it happen to you.

[...] Work first:  with the exception of love life and relationships, work comes first.  I make a general prioritization in my life.  For the most [...]

I can relate, being that my wife and I met during her first semester of law school, and came full circle by giving birth exactly 1 week after she took the Florida Bar Exam. A lot of things suffered in our relationship due to her schooling (and all that went with it), but I think in the end it helped a lot. We've been through it, so there's not much else that can come up.

Kudos to you for learning what's important early. Too many people learn this lesson late, or not at all.

Best of luck with your law career!

It's not an easy choice even with the girl of your dreams. I've had mine for 8 or 9ish years now, married for 1 and have started more side businesses than who knows. In the end, her support keeps me going and the thought that our future together will be amazing. Love is a crazy thing, especially when you love your career choice, your business, and your relationship. Finding your own balance is key, something that can't be found in an article, a book or form your friends. You have to experience it for yourself and make the decisions that will affect your life. Not always an easy thing to do.

Let's not forget that $$$$ is the cause of most fights/divorces.

Let's not forget that $$$$ is the cause of most fights/divorces.
Fair enough, but let's also not forget that with divorce rates so high, often times marriage is not entered as a permanent bond. I also think many other problems manifest as "the money fight," and though it seems fairly intuitive to me, I have no evidence to back that up.

And first hand, seeing as how I have previously moved to a new city for a girl that I'd been dating for just a few months, I know I would pick love every time. Already been mentioned, but jobs come and go, the work never stops being there no matter city or place. When it comes down to sacrifice, the job is always going to be at the lower end of the priority list. I wouldn't want it any other way.

It's interesting to me how many young people are more flexible when it comes to love and relationships than they are to work. For example, there have been many blog posts here (and some commenters) who are so into their careers that they would not allow anyone or anything to pull them away. They'll gladly work late nights, weekends, holidays, whatever just to stand out above everyone else and climb the ladder. For those individuals, the rule of a relationships is "If you don't support my career, it won't work." While I respect that persuasion, I am completely on the other side of the fence.

My wife is currently finishing her masters degree, and all the jobs she's applying for are out of state. We've already discussed the implications of this, and I even pointed out that we'd be better off moving to wherever she gets a job offer than we would be staying put. My thinking is that I'm only 23, I've got all kinds of time to find a job I love and work my way up. She has a very clear picture of what she wants to do, and once the diploma is in hand, I want to help her live her dreams, even if I have to move to a new place and start a new job. She's more important to me than a paycheck, an office, or a title, so I'll do what it takes to make her happy.

In the meantime, I'm working an unfulfilling job to keep the bills paid. However, once she gets settled into a new job, I'm going back to grad school and doing my own masters. We'll reverse roles, the only difference is that she'll actually be doing something she enjoys while I get my degree. So I'm surprised that so many people create a love/career dichotomy, you can have it all… you just have to be a little patient.

It's interesting to me how many young people are more flexible when it comes to love and relationships than they are to work.

@Brad – Do you mean how many aren't more flexible? If you do, I agree. I can't count the number of people I know that ended relationships they otherwise considered stable with a solid future because something just wasn't "in the plans." I'm the same age, and after I graduated, I had a plan penciled in, but my girlfriend already had grad school plans. I obviously had a much easier time changing, and I didn't mind whatsoever. Isn't compromise the point?

Now we're coming up on her finishing grad school, location can once again be discussed. So I'm not sure which way is surprising to you, but I can name tons of examples of relationships ending because some entry level position or "the plan" was much more important than the relationship, which is sort of sad/surprising to me, when from the outside it seems like they've giving up so much more than they're gaining.

[...] Career vs Love: Which Would You Pick? – Well, ideally you could have both. [...]

[...] posted this article in the Employee Evolution blog, where it received a lot of feedback and comments.  I had previously written a post on How to [...]

Hi everyone!

Thanks very much for the very supportive and insightful comments. I'm glad to be affirmed that my decision was indeed the right one.

To Karen — with regard to choosing love over career, you are right that I probably wouldnt have dropped out of law school, so I didnt really choose love, so to speak. But i would have (and did) drop out of everything else. I'm no longer part of the law journal (which was a very prestigious position), I stayed away from other activities and also turned down some part-time job opportunities with some law firms. In a sense, I have been choosing love now. But even my dreamgirl wouldn't demand that I leave law school entirely. She never did. She instead, asked that I balance everything. My mistake was that in the beginning I didn't. But I sure am happy we were able to work things out and she came back. Now we are working on that two way street and support each other. And i wouldnt have it any other way.

To Holly- good question! And interestingly enough, we had already talked about it with my dreamgirl. Given a great job abroad, I would still stay where my dreamgirl is. She runs her family's business here in the Philippines and its doing fairly well. She can't leave it, and I can't (and WONT) leave her. So we will stick it out where we are, because although there are many great jobs out there, there is only one dreamgirl for me. ^_^

To everyone else- thanks again for sharing your thoughts on the topic. I'm very happy that I am not alone when it comes to the choice of love over career. ^_^

Take care all!

Kelvin

To Diana and Holly – sorry! my answer in my previous comment was for Diana's question. My mistake and I apologize for the mixup.

To Brad H. and Nathan- kudos to you guys! I admire your certitude and conviction to stick it out with love over career. ^_^ Good for you guys.

To Norcross- I am sure my fiancee can relate with you a lot then. Putting up with a law student (especially one as ambitious as I was) can be very very difficult, and it takes a very patient person to persevere against such odds. Congratulations on that!

Scott – thanks! I definitely need all the luck I can get with the bar examinations coming up in 2008.

Happy holidays folks. ^_^

Let's not forget that $$$$ is the cause of most fights/divorces.

Fair enough, and I'm sure there are statistics to back that up, but I'm not sure money is the real problem. I suspect that in many cases, it's more a symptom of two people who have mismatched expectations, which I think is at the heart of Kelvin's article. There's no reason you can't have love and a challenging career at the same time, but not in a vacuum; you have to sit down with your intended before you tie the knot and go through the list: what do you want from the relationship, what do you need from the relationship, and what do I want/need. Career, kids, fun, even retirement plans. Let's get everything out on the table. Some of it will change over time, and not everything is going to work out how we plan, but let's start this off knowing exactly what we both expect. Being with the person you love doesn't have to be such a challenge if you just get your brain in there somewhere.

There are few bigger risks than marrying for love (alone)!

Do you mean how many aren't more flexible? If you do, I agree.

@Nathan- Yes, that's what I was trying to get to, I just phrased it poorly. What I meant to say is that people are more prone to toss aside relationships for work than vice-versa. Basically, the viewpoint that "My life is planned around my career, and if I find someone along the way who shares those goals, then great."

For some people, that's the way it needs to be, and that's fine. Personally, I could never find the usefulness in working 80 hours a week, only seeing my wife on occassional weekends, and doing whatever it took to get that corner office. I'm competitive by nature, but I'm not one who would be willing to step on others to get ahead, and I especially wouldn't be able to put my career ahead of love. A lot of it is a product of my parents. They both took jobs where they were sure to be home by dinner even though they could have made more money elsewhere. We were always comfortable, and the time I spent with my dad playing in the yard and working on cars was worth more to me than a giant house and a 3 car garage.

I suppose that is what colors most of my outlook on this topic. My parents always put family first, and we were still always able to keep the bills paid and enjoy some nice things. Sure, I could go all out and work like a madman to get all the fancy things, but what fun are they when you've got no one to share it with?

Kelvin,

I have a couple questions to pose. You say that if you were to choose between love and a career again you would choose love, but were you really making a choice between a career and love since you are not giving up law? What if she were to give you the ultimatum of law school or her? Do you think that if something (unfortunately) happened in your relationship and you were left single again you would be bitter about everything that you did give up?

I believe that your statement of 'choose love' isn't really the correct choice in all situations. When I was in college I was engaged. My fiance had a good job, and I decided to transfer schools to be closer to him. The engagement ended a couple months later, and now I am at a place that I would never have gotten to if I were still with him. When that relationship was gone I realized that it wasn't worth what I was giving up; hence the question above.

Hi Jessica,

I'm sorry to hear about the engagement. If i were in your shoes, I think I would be angry, to be honest. And probably very very bitter. I wouldnt really know how I would survive if i had to go through a similar situation as you did. In which case, I admire you for your resiliency in dealing with such a personal crisis.

But I do know that I would have to move on sooner or later in such a situation, and I would probably try and get the "career" back on track, and look upon the past as a life lesson, something to learn from.

If however, my past were to repeat itself, and I were to lose my fiancee, life would shut down for a few months, i think. And if she were to give me an ultimate ultimatum, i would think that would mean she doesnt really know what we both want in life.

And perhaps choose love isnt the correct choice in all situations, but in many situations, I believe love would be the better choice.

I apologize if the answer is incoherent. I am at the airport heading off to singapore for the holidays (which is quite near the Philippines). I'll write more when I get back to country.

Take care!

Kelvin

Hi Jessica!

Just got back from singapore. I didnt have internet while I was there, so I really couldn't write or comment any further on your questions.

With regard to your comment on how I wasnt really choosing between career and love, I think I was, in a sense. A lot of sacrifices were made for her. Although I didnt drop out of law school, I did drop a lot of my other responsibilities in law school (law journal, debater, etc.). And i tried to equalize the time spent with her and studying. So going out with friends was minimized. nights out were non-existent. Time spent in school was minimized. WHen the school bell rang, I would leave school immediately, etc.

But like I said, if she had asked me to really drop out of law school to be with her… well…. I probably wouldn't know what to do, and I would think she didn't really understand what sacrifices were needed.

I do see your viewpoint on how i may not have really chosen love over career though.

Anyways, if you want to talk more on this, you can reach me via my email address which is posted on my blog: http://kelvinlesterlee.wordpress.com. Thanks and take care!

your story is so touching. i've recently been looking up advice about this because i've been with my "dreamguy" for a yr now, and he recently broke up with me because he wants to "focus on his career" and doesn't feel like it's fair to be in a relationship that he cant be "100% devoted" to. i understand but i'm so devastated because i am still so in love with him. and i know he still cares about me. we're both still fairly young… 25, less than a yr out of college. he's building up his first real career. i'm workin at a mediocre job (not too demanding) but i do plan on going to grad school. we're still trying to be friends, but i can't help wanting to be back in a relationship with him. i want to be with him and if it means only seeing him once or twice a wk during his busy season (he's a tax accountant) then i'm willing to be there for him. i want to support him, but i'm not sure if he's willing to be open about this… any other advice?

Hi Nancy!

At this point all i can say is that it has to be a two way street. Meaning both you and your dreamguy have to be want this to happen and work at it together. If only one person wants the relationship, especially when the other one is insanely busy and is unwilling to make the sacrifices necessary, then it may be pretty difficult to work things out. In any case, talk to him and see how it goes. Everything starts out with a good talk. ^_^ Good luck! (btw i apologize for the late reply. Am in the middle of reviewing for exams again. Hope this helps!)

I read this because my husband and I had children before we got together. I found an area that is what I feel to be really good for my kids(good schools, low crime,ect) however, he wants to be closer to where his children live. I do not want to comprimise my beautiful home and wonderful location for my children, and the beginning of my career in a city that is much more productive than the one that I lived in before. He is talking about moving up here, however if it is too hard to get his kids, moving back. I don't want to move back at all. It is such a hard situation. I feel like this is best for both me and my children, but he is good for us too. Hard situation. The area that his children live in is a city with a very depressed economy. I lived there before and I know there is nothing there but trouble so I fear for my children that they will be exposed to more than I want them to be if we moved back. I can't go back. I just feel so bad because I will have to leave them behind to think of my children first! I will always pick what is best for my children first, however we don't know anyone here and it's just us and he may not even stay once he gets here because we will be two and a half hours away from his children and he wants to be able to check up on them anytime he can.