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Ryan Paugh graduated from Penn State in 2006 with a Bachelor's Degree in Journalism and a minor in Business. After working in corporate communications, freelance writing and reporting, he co-founded 
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There’s a great coffee shop in downtown Madison that I go to called Fair Trade with a collection of regulars I’ve never talked to.
But I feel like I know their life stories because I’ve spent so much time examining the way they go about their day.
One of the most interesting regulars is a middle-aged blind man.
His cane speaks to the room as if it were giving him an introduction. Everyone looks to see what the unusually rhythmic beat is all about. Then they nestle their heads back into their books, laptops, diaries and that’s that.
He taps his way over to the table next to me and takes off his jacket. He struggles to get his bearings, so I give his chair a little nudge to steer him in the right direction.
“Thank you,” he says.
He then strides his way up to the cashier – a journey he must have made hundreds of times before—orders a cup of joe, and returns to his table, mug in hand. People watch, wondering if he’s going to position his coffee flat on the table surface. I watch too.
I wonder to what extent he feels the ogling eyes around him. Even I can sense when someone is drilling away at me with curious stares. What’s it like when you can’t stare back?
While I’m working, and he is eating, I look up and notice the blind man is “looking” around the room. I wonder what he is looking for.
It only takes about five minutes before he stops looking. Whatever it is he wanted enough was enough. With the same amount of ease it took for him to take off his jacket and sit down, he put it back on, stood up and headed for the door: Tap, tap, tap…
I couldn’t work anymore. I began to feel sick. Because right before he exited the shop, I realized exactly what he wanted.
You see, there’s a reason I try to do work on State Street in the midst of University of Wisconsin’s college community. It offers me a better chance of connecting with people and easing a portion of the loneliness of living in a new city.
I get a window seat at Fair Trade every day so I can be close to the bustle on State Street. I used to think that watching it makes me feel like I’m a part of the action. But in fact, watching it only serves to remind me that I’m an outsider.
I used to think that doing a startup would be so cool and that I’d be happy doing it anywhere. But moving to a new city with no friends is hard – even if you have the best job in the world.
I read that the life of a startup is essentially a lonely task, but I didn’t believe it until I lived it for myself, here in Madison. And I know I’m learning a lot about business right now, but I wonder if I’m losing some part of myself as well.
So back to that guy. He wanted exactly what I did – an opportunity to connect when you feel like a complete outsider.
One thing that I always pride myself on is my willingness to talk to anyone. And I barely said a word to him.
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Leave your thoughts here. (12 responses)
- 1 Pingback on Nov 20th, 2007 at 3:19 pm
- 2 Pingback on Nov 27th, 2007 at 11:10 am
That means you’ve got tomorrow.
I know exactly how you feel! I am out in Seattle for a rotation in a program I am in and it’s definitely a challange. You have to push yourself to reach out every day because most people are comfortable with their group of friends. I found the New to Seattle group on Meetup.com and a couple others really helped. Here is my experience and how I used Meetup:
newlycorporate.com/2007/09/20/networking-tools-meetupcom/
That´s why I always spend some time having some cofee at a certain square downtown. At the end of the day it´s easy to find some grandpas talking about poltics, soccer, girls and whatever you´re up to. It´s not about feeling myself into their group, but giving them the idea that someone my age care about them.
Somehow, it´s like we feel when we´re doing the best into a new business.. We just want people to care about us, about what we do …
Great post!
Thanks for all of the comments today. I got a few via email too. I always enjoy that.
The thing I like about this post is that it’s really ambiguous. You might have finished reading and though, “Damn, this guy is depressed.” Or maybe you delved a little deeper. I hop most people saw the underlying messages.
The places we put ourselves in life really say a lot about our character at that point in time. When I go to Fair Trade, I’m definitely showing off the part of me that’s yearning for a bit more attention from the outside world. And yes, entrepreneurship can be a lonely road, which makes meeting new people that much more enticing.
Running into that blind guy at the shop was kind of a reality check for me. Making connections really requires you to do more than just sit around and watch. It requires engagement and releasing the fear that usually keeps us at a hush. I hope I meet that guy again so I can talk to him. He probably has some amazing perspectives.
Anyway, that’s what I took away from my experience. But if anyone has any other insights, please share.
I’d rather not lecture, there’s more to learn from a group discussion.
Totally not on the subject but Mad props for drinking fair trade coffee. (I assume since the shop’s name is Fair Trade, the coffee they sell is all fair trade…)
Ryan,
Don’t feel bad. Just next time, strike up a conversation with the man. You’ve got far more courage than the average soul. How do I know? Doing a startup is a risk that most aren’t willing to take. People are scared to death of the POSSIBILITY of failure. I know you’ll make conversation the next time you see him.
Good piece of writing here. Nicely done.
this is the first article in this blog to which i have given a thumbs up in stumbleupon
i can’t say why
I think the first step to being able to connect with another person is compassion - to see a bit of ourselves in them. It makes it so much easier to say hello tomorrow, even if it’s not to the blind man. Maybe it’s someone else, maybe they’re lonely, maybe they’re not. It’s never hurt my day for a stranger to smile, be warm, say hello and strike up random conversation.
When I moved to my new city more than 3 years ago, the people at my company were my first friends… and for a while, my only friends. I can’t imagine not having that work connection as jumping off point to meet new people.
I’m not religious, so I don’t go to church, but I’ve always been envious of the way church people can move to a new place and immediately plug into a community of shared interests and beliefs. Coffee shops have been the closest thing I could find to a First Church of Caffeine, Art, and Books, and unless you’re naturally outgoing, it can be a difficult place to reach out.
When I was laid off a few months ago I needed to make new friends (for unrelated reasons). I worked for tips part-time at a friend’s coffee shop and that pretty much solved my problem. I found that the more engaged I was with the customers, the more they wanted to sit around and shoot the breeze. And, the more they engaged each other. Maybe you can be the outgoing person who strikes up a conversation and not be afraid of it being unwelcomed. Even if it doesn’t seem like it, most of us would like a little pleasant conversation with someone we’ve never met.
ryan, what a great piece! thank you for sharing. i often struggle with this. the other day i (going through palo alto, ca) saw someone driving next to me with a utah license plate (my home state) i rolled down my window and called out to her sharing the fact that i was born in utah. we spoke for a moment, shared some smiles and laughter. it was only until after the fact that i realized i should have given her my business card. who knows what type of future connection could have been created.
it reminds me of a time i was riding the subway in nyc. a guy was feverishly drawing things in a small notepad, ripping out the paper, crumbling it up, throwing it on the ground, and starting over again on the next page. after 4 or 5 pages of his doing this, i started wishing i had the power of “the force” and could levitate his drawings to view them. i realized after about 30 seconds that i did have the power… all i had to do was reach to the ground and pick up the crumpled papers.
the only problem was that i felt like there were 30 unspoken social etiquette rules that would have to be broken in one swift motion. with the eyes of everyone in the cart looking at me, i picked one of the papers up, looked at it, and connected with what he was drawing. it was a person in lockdown, unable to escape pain. i picked up the other drawings and they were all quite similar. soon enough he started handing me his drawings without crumbling them. he opened his mouth and told me “drawing helps me release tension.” i nodded and as we connected, we were able to draw smiles out of the other onlookers in the cart. that was 3 years ago and i almost forgot it… i wish had the courage to do something like that everyday.
keep writing stuff like this, ryan, and i think you’ll give courage to us all. way to be the change in the world!