A Millennial's Muse — Part 4: Irritated Sans Rash

Here read the true tales of a young twenty-something cubicle dweller by day – dreamer of "there's got to be more than this" by night – trying to find the moral of her everyday story. Walk with Jackie down cubicle lane every Wednesday as she humorously shares the pitfalls and high points of moving to a new city for her first job, building a life post 5 o'clock, and searching for meaning in every crevice of her stu-stu studio.

Dear Fellow Millenials,

In work, as in life, you have good days and you have days when you curse everyone under your breath. In the spirit of a bad day making you realize the value of an F-word-free day, I'll share some things that irked me as I acclimated to my first job. I promise to end on a high note.

Elusive Elevator Ecstasy

The security guard in the building where I worked quit. You know…the elevator miracle worker. How could she? Didn't she know that she was my Willy Wonka, the magic of my day? The guard's replacement – you were lucky if she was awake 30 percent of the time. The tone of lunch hour phone calls to my mom:

"Mom, guess what?"

Mom: "What cookie?"

"I had to push the button…again."

Mom: "Tomorrow will be better, don't you worry."

Elevator Fear Factor

You never know what you might encounter in the elevator of a large office building. On one memorable morning, I pushed the button for the 8th floor and a man pushed the button for the 3rd floor, but it required a swipe card. I asked him, "What happens on the 3rd floor?"

"[Name of media outlet in Asia]," he said. "We need extra security because we piss off a lot of people in Asia. Mainly the communists."

Great. So glad to be sharing a building with you. I then prayed that the building was equipped with a bunker.

A Very Lady Lunch

The average age of employees at the company was 25 years old. Quite often, I was invited to go to the communal lunch room where the aura of sorority life was resurrected. For my mental health, I usually went out to eat.

One day, I allowed my backbone to curve and went to the lunch room to become "one of the girls." Commenting on my brown-bagged edibles, one pledge said, "Your lunch looks fun!!" Fun? See, on planet Jackie, going to the movies, traveling across Europe, trying new restaurants – those things are fun. When did a granola bar become an amusement park ride?

Pe(e)ter

One of the executives, Pe(e)ter, concerned me. The route from Pe(e)ter's office to the restroom passed my cubicle (#8032), and he went 8 – 10 times an hour, without fail. Either he had a severely overactive bladder or was a compulsive hand washer. What made it weirder was that each time Pe(e)ter walked by my cubicle, he smiled, nodded and, depending on the time of day, bid me good morning/afternoon. Yeah, apparently not for you, Sir. And then in staff meetings I just had this recurring vision of Pe(e)ter asking someone to hand him toilet paper under the bathroom stall. Gross.

Jungle Fever

On morning jogs through the National Zoo, I developed an inappropriate flirtation with a cheetah and discovered the beauty of beginning the day with wildlife. Many a morning you could find me making kissing sounds in front of the cheetah exhibit, trying to beckon one spotted beauty in particular to the electrical gate that divided us and, on occasion, even waving to my new friend.

On my inaugural zoo jog, I called my mom (noticing a pattern?). Who jogs with their cell phone, you're wondering? See, before I left for college, my mom sat me down for an important talk, the kind where an indelible lesson is imparted.

She looked me straight in the eyes and said, "Pussy cat?"

"Yeah…?" (wondering why she used feline terms of endearment despite my severe allergy to cats)

Mom: "Never leave home without your cell phone."

"Ok."

Mom: "And never leave home without $5."

"Why?"

Mom: "Because you never know when you'll need a Diet Coke and a bag of Peanut M&Ms."

I looked at her wide-eyed and nodding, feeling like I was inheriting an overarching maternal truth. And that was that. The bulk of her work raising me was over, and I was left with a dependency on vending machines.

Back to the 6:15 am zoo phone call –

"Hi Mom. Guess what?"

Very groggy Mom: "What? What? Are you okay?"

"I'm great. I'm looking at a cheetah."

Mom coming to consciousness: "Jack, where are you?"?

"At the National Zoo, where else?"

Mom wondering where she went wrong: "Ohhh boy…be careful."

To this day, I wonder whether that cheetah was male or female. Any guesses?

In good times and bad,
Jackie

Leave your thoughts here. (9 responses)

This article´s comments All Employee Evolution comments

Chris Clarke

Nov 7th, 2007 at 9:46 am

Your mom is cute. I love that she calls you cookie!!

Scott

Nov 7th, 2007 at 9:48 am

Great post once again Jackie. You're quickly becoming a Wed habit. I look forward to next week.

Somehow, I see a book coming out of these experiences. They're touching and most of us can relate whether we're just entering the workforce or have been living the cubicle life for years.

Btw, your mother is a wise woman, but I'm sure you already know that. Enjoy the zoo!

Scott M

Nov 7th, 2007 at 10:55 am

You don't REALLY think about security and pissed off people until you work for a utility company. We are universally reviled most of the time, crucified when we make a mistake, and ignored when we do our jobs right.

But isn't it that way everywhere?

Great post! "I had to push the button… again"

LOL!

Meyer

Nov 7th, 2007 at 11:06 am

Nice post Jackie. It is the small things in my cube life that make it easier to get through the day. Some of the things that happen in cube life are down right sad. The things that people have become accustomed to in order to fill the void is pathetic.

I gotta go though…our monthly birthday celebration in the break room is about to start! YES!

Andy

Nov 7th, 2007 at 2:17 pm

Wow, I can only dream that the cafeteria in my building resembled a sorority house.

Ryan Healy

Nov 7th, 2007 at 4:36 pm

"Wow, I can only dream that the cafeteria in my building resembled a sorority house."

Ha, I have go to agree with this one. I spent the last year eating lunch with colonels, captains and generals. Sorority girls would have made things a lot more interesting!

Jackie – Thanks for the post. It was quite entertaining, as always.

-Ryan

Andy

Nov 8th, 2007 at 8:16 am

It sounds like some sort of lunchroom-exchange program needs to be setup. Colonels, Captains, and Generals do not sound fun, unless of course it's Colonel Sanders, Captain Crunch, and General Tso.

Oh and not that I'm intentionally trying to make you jealous Jackie, but the elevators in my building have motion sensor activation in the morning. So I get the magical gate opening without a security guard in sight.

Jackie

Nov 8th, 2007 at 9:57 am

Andy, it may not have been your intention, but you indeed did make me jealous. I've never heard of that kind of elevator technology. I especially love motion sensor soap dispensers in public restrooms – pitter patter, pitter patter for hygiene.

Allison

Nov 8th, 2007 at 10:51 pm

The security guards are really an important part of the morning. When they are fun and say hi in the morning it puts a little pep in my step. I'm sorry yours left you. If you metro to work, maybe you should start depending on the express distributors. those people are always happy. though they can't make the elevator open for you.

Leave a Reply

Click here to cancel reply.

• Name (required)
• Mail (will not be published) (required)
• Website
• Notify me of followup comments via e-mail

Notify me of followup comments via e-mail