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Ryan Paugh graduated from Penn State in 2006 with a Bachelor's Degree in Journalism and a minor in Business. After working in corporate communications, freelance writing and reporting, he co-founded 
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College parties, “March Madness” and fantasy football – just three topics my buddies chat about with their bosses to lighten the mood. I would’ve loved to have that kind of relationship at my first entry-level job. Unfortunately, my situation was different.
Since graduating college and working full-time, my superiors have all been females. Moreover, the majority of staffers on my first corporate team were women too. So ladies, when you complain about the male-driven work environment that leaves you feeling isolated and alone, I feel your pain.
At the risk of sounding sexist (again), if I ever return to the corporate world I really hope my boss is a guy – I’d learn faster, feel more involved and maybe even advance quicker.
The best teacher I ever had was a man
Think of the best teacher you’ve ever had. Why do they stick out from all the rest? If you’re like me, it’s probably because they found a way to connect with you on a personal level. It’s also probable that they’re a member of the same sex.
Of course, as we rise into the ranks of adulthood new factors come into play. Studies suggest that a superior mentor is one of the opposite sex – someone who probably finds you sexually attractive.
I, however, suggest that the influence of an older male is bound to hold more authority and respect in the work life of a younger male.
Is this comparable to female-to-female mentorship? I really don’t know, but I would love to hear from women on this.
The inner circle of the opposite sex – No boys allowed
Being of the opposite sex in a female-centric environment, I realized quickly that there was an inner circle I’d never be able to penetrate. I imagine it must be somewhat comparable to how many women feel in a male-dominated work environment.
Even though I worked well with the whole team, I was never IN on the inside jokes, infrequently went out on lunches and hardly ever talked about my personal life. It was nobody’s fault really. I was a man in a woman’s world. We wouldn’t relate to each other anyway.
Still, if I was working in a male dominated environment with a male superior, I’d certainly want to feel included.
About two months into my first job, our team moved into a work area we shared with the finance department, aka “the finance guys” – a male-dominated team that loved to socialize.
I worked on a bunch of cross-functional projects with them and for the short time they were there, I actually felt more involved. My energy level rose and productivity escalated too.
They ultimately ended up leaving the location, putting me back in the minority. But during that short period, I realized the importance of having a group of people you can relate to in the office.
Men and women climb a different ladder
Generation gaps aside, I know a male boss understands me a lot better than a female boss. Though I’m no longer “climbing the corporate ladder,” I’ve come to understand that a male’s ascension is rather different than a female’s. Consequently, wouldn’t it be more logical for a man to learn the ropes from an older, more experienced man?
But maybe I’m completely off on this one. Maybe one day I’ll have a female boss I’d prefer to work with over any male. Until then, limited experience is all I have to go on.
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Sounds like the problem is really with you, not your bosses or the feminine cabal that you perceived as excluding you. You might want to consider having more conversation starters than ‘College parties, “March Madness” and fantasy football’. If that’s all you rely on then you’ll have problems making small-talk and relating with any boss, not just female ones. I know plenty of guys who blab on about how Wes Welker was a steal in their fantasy draft, but those guys definitely aren’t going anywhere in the company.
For the record, out of the 4 supervisors I’ve had so far in my career, I’ve had 2 female bosses. I’ve felt more engaged professionally under those 2 than I did with the 2 male bosses.
Also, as far as this comment goes: “Studies suggest that a superior mentor is one of the opposite sex – someone who probably finds you sexually attractive.” - Can you provide some citation, I’d be interested in seeing this study.
One of the programs of the foundation where I work is geared toward involving women in peace processes, so you can probably figure out that our staff is heavily female.
Everybody grouses about this, but honestly, nobody has a real problem with it. My female, 30-year-old boss, who started here around Memorial Day, came from the military and was quite obviously freaked out about being around women all the time. She finally seems to have realized what we women colleagues have all known about one another for a while–we are all bright women, special in our own ways (corny, I know), and we are NOT in competition with one another! Nobody has the same job title or responsibilities and, because of the organization’s structure, people aren’t passed up for promotion in favor of someone else. Yes, the men here recognize that they are in the minority, but everyone gossips and complains and nobody is truly catty.
Anyway, I’ve had 3 different female bosses here and 1 male boss. The man keeps his work/personal lives so separate that he is hard to connect to, but he’s also quite professional. And one of the women? Well, let’s just say I knew when it was her time of the month. So I suppose some of the women and work stereotypes apply in my case, but certainly not all.
Andy,
Unfortunately I don’t have an exact URL to share with you, but I can tell you that my suggestion was driven by a study done at University of California, Santa Cruz, that concluded females whose mentors are males that find them sexually attractive actually receive better mentoring for it. Several career advice experts I’ve talked to have speculated that if you turn the tables the effect is the same.
I think it’s interesting that you felt more engaged with your 2 female bosses than the 2 male. Like I said, I may be way off. Then again, you may be an anomaly.
For me, it wasn’t a matter of being able to get my work done or staying engaged, but about having a boss who could relate to me. Did your female bosses relate better to you than the men?
For the record, I think it’s important to have more conversation starters than just college parties and sports. That’s just what I wish I could talk about at the office.
If you’re like me, it’s probably because they found a way to connect with you on a personal level. It’s also probable that they’re a member of the same sex.
I think you’re dead right with the first sentence, but the second seems to have no basis and extracted from one experience. I disagree completely. Thinking of the handful, 3-4 great teachers (in all subjects of school, work, and even just life) it’s fairly split with men and women. I don’t know if I’d agree that chances are they’re a member of same sex, I don’t see what that has to do with learning. This view was cemented more when the following:
I was hired for my first corporate job and realized that I was not even close to the average age bracket. Nerd alert: Average age in my team is about 42-45, SD is about 9-10. So even in the very best scenario, I’m twice the standard deviation from the mean age. When I was originally hired, I was hired along with another guy in his low twenties, we got along great, and he was the only real connection I felt like I had at work.
He has since left, and unfortunately it’s been a slow road to further connections. I have tried to branch out to other groups near me, but the road has been slow as we’re swamped it’s hard to have time to venture beyond the working relationships. What I’m left with is similar to those who speak of being around the opposite sex, I can’t talk about my kids (I’m actually closer in age to their kids than them), I don’t have the same interests, and with the exception of the few that I can talk sports with, there’s not much else going for me. What I’m left with are lunches in the office, and an extremely professional relationship with everyone around me. It’s not entirely bad, and to be honest I think the professionalism has actually impressed my bosses, but the point is still sound, that without someone to relate to, I am actually less productive and contemplate leaving at an ever increasing rate.
Nathan,
I know that I’m kind of making a generalization with the sentence you’ve quoted, and I’m glad you brought it up.
There’s actually significant research associated with male vs. female teachers. In many of these situations, the female students showed bigger improvements with female teachers and males showed bigger improvements with male teachers.
Here’s a quick read, but there’s plenty of other research sites that support my assumption and even explain more in-depth.
You’re right though, as we enter different stages of life, the importance of a person’s sex does shift.
For the female point of view, my best teachers (both in the workforce and in formal education) have been male. They were the best because they always pushed me to be better. To be honest, I’m not sure if I would have been as receptive to a female. I think for many women there is conscious or unconcious competition with other women. Had a female treated me the same way I would probably label her a you know what.
As for the workforce, I think that it’s up to you to create the relationship. On the surface you may not have felt you could relate to them but with that defeatist attitude of course you’ll never get anywhere. When I first entered my current job I was disappointed to see that I was the only person in my 20s and one of only 2 under the age of 45. But, I found other ways to relate to people and found that they’re not as different as I thought. Turns out these women in their 60s watch the same tv shows as me and know what everything from “lol” to “idk” means in internet speak. On some levels we will never relate but we all acknowledge the differences and try to compromise. By boss knows I’ll never be thrilled by her grandchildren stories and I know she’ll never be thrilled with my dog stories. Relationships of any kind take work, you just have to be willing to put that effort in.
If you can’t relate to women in the workplace, and the women in your personal life are the stereotypical ball-and-chain, I think there’s two possible explanations for that. If I’m being charitable I’d say you’ve been very unlucky in the women you meet, and if I’m not being charitable I’d say you’re a bit shallow. Either way you might want to think about it a bit more before you start employing women.
Since joining the corporate world I have had 2 male bosses and 1 female. Each of them had different strengths, and so I bonded with them in different ways. Now I really have no preference for the gender of my boss as long as he/she is a good manager and I enjoy the team. The last team I was on was mostly women and I was miserable. Many of them were unhappy with their jobs or stressed out - which was more of a management issue - and here I was a young go-getter type that was excited to be there.
My team now has a good balance of men and women and they are enjoyable people to be around and actually like their jobs. My gal coworker and I talk about football together (the big NFL teams), the guys tell us about their kids, and we all share about our crazy college stories.
Your pain Ryan might have been from being a minority on a team, not because of the gender of your boss. If you have a female boss, you can balance it out with a male mentor. As for working with all women, try to find topics of conversation that will interest both of you (flashback to dating!) and make the most of it.
Melanie,
You bring up a good point. Your mentor doesn’t have to be your boss, but it can be pretty beneficial when they are.
Either way, I like the idea of finding another mentor to balance out the equation.
Ryan - your synopsis of that study sounds about right. It could just be a factor of the mentee being physically attractive - attractive people elicit more favorable responses from those around them.
Also, the 2 female bosses I had did relate to me better than the male bosses I had. I’m reluctant to base this reaction purely on gender, though. The main reason I feel they related better to me was an educational background that was very similar to mine, as opposed to the lack of an educational background from my male bosses. Hence, I did connect with my female bosses on a personal level and thus was more willing to grant them my respect.
Nathan - I used to work in a situation that was VERY similar to the one you described. Interestingly enough, I’ve found that talking about your coworker’s kids usually works well as a conversation topic, since you can provide your coworkers with a similar perspective of what their kids are going through. After this runs dry though, finding “talking points” can be kind of rough. I had to wait a good year before more people my age were hired on.
I was ready to erupt when I read the intro to this post. But now that I think about it, the best bosses I’ve had have been men. It might be because they didn’t worry that I might not like them after giving me constructive criticism. Or didn’t comment on my outfits every morning! With my current (lady) boss I can definitely feel the undercurrents of jealousy every time I do well in a presentation, or impress our MD. I’m not saying that all women are like this, but it’s been a factor with my female bosses so far…
“Generation gaps aside, I know a male boss understands me a lot better than a female boss.”
Maybe the women do understand you, and that’s why they don’t like you. The characteristics of a good boss shouldn’t have to do with if they have to sit down to pee and if you are predisposed to not enjoying working with women, we can tell.
I am (and have been for a long time) in the same spot that you have been, so I’m not trying to be rude when saying that. I started attending UW-Madison part time when I was 15, so I have plenty of years of being ignored because I am younger then everyone I worked with. I was one of the only girls in my major, and most of the clubs that I have been in, so I have had plenty of time dealing with being a gender minority. I have not had any coworkers (which I worked with directly) since I worked at Farm and Fleet my senior year of high school. I have never had a female boss, and both of my mentors are male. I understand where you are coming from, and I would like to share something I have learned with you, in an attempt to make you not bitter towards every woman that you will ever have as a boss, or just have to deal with. This is getting a bit lengthy, but just keep reading.
I use to be very involved in two clubs within my department at college. I was the only girl (no surprise) at first I did not fit in too well with the guys, it wasn’t that I didn’t try, but they (more or less) refused to ‘accept’ me into their little group, until they needed something from me. I had the typical leadership roles (treasurer, secretary, historian, etc.). The other leader ended up falling through on a lot of their commitments, and I would pick up their slack and get everything one. Our president one year decided to stop performing his duties and I went out of my way to get them all done, and make sure that they were done right. If I asked any of the guys for help they would make a huge deal about it and say that they would do it, and then they wouldn’t. But they were always quick to claim credit for the fruits of my labor. I kept this up because I am a team player, and I didn’t want the team to fail because one member didn’t live up to their expectations. They were blatantly sexist towards me and complained to our professors about me every minute they could get, because I was the girl in the guys world. I talked to my professors, seeking advice for dealing with these drunken assholes, and I got none. By the end of my sophomore year the professors treated me the same way, just not to my face. I busted my ass off for them, and got treated like shit in return. In my welding course, where I tutored other students, I somehow got a C while the guys got A’s and couldn’t even set up an arc welding unit. So I switched majors, and started excelling. I wasted two years in a major, in which I would go nowhere becuase of the male professors, and the other male students who made my academic life and career misserable.
Just as you feel that male bosses are better becuase of your seemingly unpleasant experience with women coworkers and bosses, I could say that female professors were better becuase they could relate to my feelings of inequality, but I’m not going to. I know that almost every guy I meet, who hasn’t heard about me, is going to assume that I don’t know what I am doing, but I’m not going to have a chip on my sholder and go seek out a female manager in hopes that she’ll like me and I’ll move up the ladder faster just becuase I’m a girl. I’m going to prove myself. Listen, learn, and adapt. That’s how you increase your utility and get further. If you can’t work with women becuase you have had a bad experience in the past you are just limiting and hurting yourself, and it’s your fault, not your previous female coworkers.
The only time you learn is when you’re put out of your comfort zone, and what sets people apart is not how they deal with that change, but how they react and move forward. I still to this day do face some sexual discrimination from my coworkers, and sometimes a superior, but when you are proficient in your field, when you excel at what you do, it doesn’t matter if you stand up or sit down to pee it’s how you get the job done.
When you find a healthy working environment this will prove itself.
Hi Bubba,
I’m sorry if I gave you the impression that I don’t like working with women or that they made my first job experience horrible. In fact, I learned a lot from the women I worked with and we had a great relationship (meaning they liked me).
I’m not suggesting in any way that you can’t make a working relationship with the opposite sex work, I’m just suggesting that if I worked with a male boss, the experience would have been different. And in my opinion, I think that experience might have been even better.
Jesus. I’ve had great mentors and bosses of both sexes. Are there some people out there who fit negative stereotypes? Of course. But that doesn’t mean you should fall into this kind of stereotyping trap. Ryan, I’ve grown to expect more from you! Seriously, this column does you no favors.
Ask a Manager,
I’m not sure what negative stereotypes I really hit here…all I’m really proposing is that I think a male boss would be more suitable for male entry-level candidate. Should we just ignore people’s sexes in the workplace? I think we should embrace them.
Ryan, just a tip, if you don’t want to be thought of as sexist don’t preceed anything with the words, “I don’t want to seem sexist.”
Without that preamble I doubt anything would have raised a red flag. Who could be truly shocked that after experiencing only female bosses/mentors you would want your next boss to be a man? I constantly find myself looking for diverse leaders that can teach me more. And certainly no one is more qualified to teach you about being a man/woman climbing the corporate ladder than someone who has found themselves on the same rungs.
I would like to hear more about how these scenarios played out. You say it was harder to connect but nothing is impossible and I don’t know anyone that lets complexity stand in the way of success; I can’t imagine relying solely on my gender as a way of getting “in” with the crowd. Where “first key” connectors fail, we find other things to build on.
The best teacher I ever had was also a man. He and I watched the same television programs, enjoyed the same food and books. More importantly, we took the time to talk about it. I understood more of his metaphors and goals because I understood where he was coming from. Your post made me wonder: would it have been easier to get to know him if we were both men?
My answer is no. In fact, I think many of the connections I’ve made would have been harder to make if I were a man. I find it easier to connect with the opposite sex as a woman and it’s not something I take for granted. Maybe I’m just too comfortable in my own skin. But either way, your thoughts on the gender issue fit right into mine. Your personal examples read as just that, commentary from someone who has run into those personal problems. The more interesting question for me is how did you deal with them?
Jackleen,
You’re probably right about using the word “sexist.” I’ll remember that for next time.
To provide you with a little more insight on my experience I can say that you’re definitely right. “Nothing is impossible.” I did find ways to connect with the women on my team and we worked well together. Letting complexities stand in the way of your success is a universal issue and whether it’s dealing with different types of people or any number of work-related issues you have to find ways to move beyond it and concentrate on more important problems - namely, you’re personal growth and success.
Onto the last question you posed. How did I deal? Well, it wasn’t as hard as you may think. Though I wasn’t a part of the “inner circle” of things, I still made a concerned effort to make conversation. The best thing I did was take notes on the little specifics they mentioned. When I brought these things back up in later conversations they were so happy that I remembered such tiny details. Women like that.
On certain occasions, when I needed a little male bonding time in my life, I’d go to the gym. I made friends with some guys who worked close to me so we could walk down and workout together.
One other detail I’d like to point out is, I think you’re right about your favorite teacher. It probably wasn’t any harder to get to know him as a woman. But it might be a different relationship if you were a man.
Men treat women differently than they treat other men, I assume it’s the same for women. I can’t speak for women though. Is this true?
I think the point here is to figure out who you are and who you relate to best. Usually people like people like themselves. That’s the rule.
There’s nothing wrong with the fact that you may relate better to male authority figures. I know myself well, and I know what to look for in a boss or mentor relationship. (In my case, as a woman, I tend to like male bosses better, but have liked female mentors as well). If you relate better to male relationships, you should seek that out. Good post and great discussion!
Ryan -
Ouch. I started cringing reflexively as I was reading your post - I could see loads of constructive (and not so constructive comments) in your future and I’m not prescient…this is a hot button issue for many of us, from my perspective particularly female managers who may still feel we’re butting heads against a glass ceiling having to play by prescribed gender rules in the workplace to be promoted faster.
That said, there are a few points I’d like to make, and I’m posting this comment before reading others so as not to be unintentionally riled up before posting.
First, a vital part of any manager’s role, regardless of gender/sex/favorite color is to ensure employees feel productively utilized. This should happen whether a team is all women, all men, or, as most are, a mixture of the two. Cross functional team projects, as you pointed out, are a wonderful tool to engage newer employees (and I believe workers in general - I love interdepartmental projects) and introduce definitions of productivity and achievement outside normative, dry job descriptions.
Second, feeling isolated and alone in a workplace (the odd man out as it were) is never fun, but with diverse work populations, globalization, blah blah blah, chances are it will happen to all of us at one time or another. It’s how you deal with this that counts. Basically, you have two choices - one, you’ll hang out in an office/cube because you don’t really care about Fantasy Football, the Final Four, best place in town for a lunchtime pedi, etc. or you’ll put yourself out there and make an effort to learn from a markedly different perspective. Most of the time I’ve tried this is definitely isn’t comfortable, but it IS constructive (and I would never have known what shooting from the key meant if I hadn’t made an idiot of myself in several sports related conversations with upper level male managers).
Making an effort to bridge the communication gap (aka inner circle divide) with coworkers not only develops better team productivity but enriches our work/personal lives. If I hadn’t made an effort to communicate with a coworker about his interest in music, I wouldn’t have learned he’s on the Board of a local opera organization and now be on the receiving end of some great performing arts coupons. Long story short: We never know how chatting about issues outside our personal comfort/knowledge zones will give us something concrete in return (above and beyond a nebulous sense of great, now I know everyone’s favorite football team, etc).
Third, I’ve had both male and female superiors. With whom do I tend to feel most constructive? Supervisors that have complementary communication and work styles - they “get” me in all my crazy Type A hyperactivity and are able to channel that into creative work usage. I’ve had a male ideal boss and a female ideal boss with these tendencies.
I’ve also found that although I’m most comfortable initially with more aggressive female supervisors on the face of things, they may not push me outside my comfy zone to learn and grow. It’s those managers and teams with whom I’ve NOT been immediately comfortable or had pat topics of conversation based on lifestyle similarities from whom I’ve learned the most. In some instances the learning arose from good teamwork - in others it arose from clusterf*&^s that resulted from a lack of communication and my lack of effort to bridge the gap.
The teachers I would subjectively term “best” weren’t those with whom I felt the most comfortable - they were ones who I respected for their passion, verve, and drive, and their need to transmute that passion to me (and other ’students’). One is a male trig teacher and football coach whose class I almost failed. He convinced me to put in the 10 extra hours I’d need a week to pass (barely). I feel the same about my “best” mentors, and strive to share this with my mentees.
To wrap this up before I write a book on the subject, if we gave up every time we’re SURE we “wouldn’t relate to someone” we’d lose the most valuable opportunities for learning and growth.
I work right now with a sixty-something boomer volunteer who came into our office with no computer skills but a burning drive to learn and be useful, needed, and wanted. Different gender, faith background, lifestyle, manner of communication, dress, eating, everything. The first week I wasn’t sure how I’d handle it - we have nothing in common beyond the shared workspace, and no emails? And I have to talk to this guy ALL the time - dropping whatever multitasking I was doing to give him my full attention and time?! I thought there was no way this work relationship would work.
Turns out managing this man is one of the greatest experiences of my work life to date, and I wouldn’t trade it for a plethora of Type-A me-clones. There is no greater gift we can give someone than the gift of our time and an open desire to communicate, whatever their gender, sexual orientation, race, alma mater, or favorite ice cream topping.
Hi Jen,
Thanks for writing such a thoughtful comment. I really agree with all of your suggestions which makes me wish I had stressed that I DID make the best of my situation.
In fact, I really liked my boss. It wasn’t terrible that I wasn’t part of some “inner circle” or that she wasn’t my best teacher ever or that she didn’t understand the climb I would make throughout my life. It just could’ve been better, that’s all.
In the future, if I ever have a male boss, I don’t assume it’s going to be perfect. With my luck he’ll probably be a jerk! But I think I have a better chance in finding someone who would be not just a boss, but a mentor, if it were someone of the same sex.
Maybe I’ll end up finding a female mentor that I love, and I’ll totally smack myself in the face for believing what I do today, maybe I won’t. Either way, I’m glad you commented. There was a lot of value in it for me.
I thought I picked up on you saying that women would naturally have a “no boys allowed” mentality preventing you from accessing the inner circles (which I don’t think is true, not if they’re professional and mature). I was also surprised that you think “the influence of an older male is bound to hold more authority and respect in the work life of a younger male.” Why wouldn’t a man be able to view a woman with the same amount of authority and respect? Perhaps I’m misreading.
I worry that you’re doing yourself a disservice by thinking this way and that it’ll turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy in future jobs.
Ask a Manager,
I think the concept of “inner circles” is fairly typical in the corporate world. Why do you think so many women have a difficult time in a male-dominated environment? Regardless of how professional someone is, the world isn’t perfect and these things are happening. Hence, it’s pretty difficult to look at the corporate world and not explore gender in some fashion.
Authority and respect SHOULD be proportionate, but it’s not always the case. I’m not saying that I don’t show the same respect to females as I do males, but when I think about the authority my dream mentor has, it’s characteristically male.
I really don’t worry about this turning into a self-fulfilling prophecy because I’m not discounting anyone as a great boss/successful mentor. Like I said to a few others, maybe I’ll find a female boss that surpasses all others, maybe I won’t. But I have a idea of what I’m looking for and I think that’s good.
I hope you understand that I’m not trying to belittle women in any way. That’s never been my intent.
I believe that you did not properly convey what you meant, when you wrote this piece. Judging from the comments.
Bubba,
It may be that I didn’t convey myself well and if that is the case I apologize. But when you share your opinion on something as sensitive as gender issues, the most passionate responses always come from dissenters.
It doesn’t frustrate me. In fact, I embrace it. If I got all positive responses that would be really boring.
I think Bubba is right. Ryan’s responses in the comments make perfect sense, but they have a different nuance than the article. I think it’s a case of the original piece not conveying Ryan’s meaning strictly enough, leaving lots of room for interpretations other than what was intended. Interesting discussion though!
Always interesting when you start bringing up sex differences when it comes to bosses and peer groups at work. My first job I was surrounded by boys (while actually men they tended to act like boys). And I loved it. After they got comfortable with me, I was definitely adopted into the inner circle. We even gossiped about the “office girls” (we worked in the warehouse). However, our boss’s boss was a very strong woman and a very positive role model for me outside the strict day-to-day environment. My next job was at a school where it was mostly women. I hated the sometimes catty, passive-aggressive behaviors of my fellow ladies. I much prefer to working with men, or at least an mixed environment. But that’s just my take on it.
Dear Ryan,
You seem to be jumping the shark lately. You’re reaching for topics instead of truly researching them. I know it doesn’t help to say it, but I have the sense that it has to be clearly said before you can get back to the ground-breaking stuff you were up to before.
K
I may be an anomoly , but my favorite teachers have been older men, who were much more of a father figure and showed no sexual interest whatsoever. I am a decently attractive female and seem to work better and fit in more with male co-workers than women. Women, in general, tend to be jealous of other women, and team up in little clicks instead of being professional and leaving their personal lives at home. Thats not to say that I don’t get along with females, I am a technology professional in a management position and my boss, whom I get along very well with, is a female. However, the men that I have had as bosses were more professional, MORE LOGICAL, and just as friendly (without needing to fit into a group). I go to work to work, not make friends, although I do make friends BECAUSE I am good at my job.
I worked for mostly male managers for my first employer. Since then I have had both male and female managers. My best manager was a woman who happened to be let go in a downsizing, leaving me working for the worst manager I have ever had and he happens to be male. To put things in perspective, I have also had female managers who were almost as bad.
Hi, This is a bit off topic, but… I am a female boss and my husband is also boss (boomer-types). I work in a sporting goods business. I have never been a girly-girl type. I don’t lunch with the girls, paint my nails, wear pink. We like sports and getting dirty playing on the weekends. We employ several office workers who are in their 20’s and 30’s. We don’t have a circle of women employees. Problem: I don’t understand my metrosexual male employees! Please help me understand this to create a better work environment and don’t attack me, ok. For example, one of our guys (married, heterosexual) mentioned that he meets his male friends on the weekend for lunch at the cafe at the exclusive dept store at the mall. I said, “That’s nice” but i’m thinking that is weird because this is the kind of thing women do. They talk about clothes, furniture, decorating, wine, microbrews, organic food stores… They poke fun McD’s coffeee I pick up on the way to work because it’s not a latte-blah, blah that cost $6. I like fancy coffee too, but won’t go 5 miles out of the way to get it. Obviously, these are minor points, but it illustrates the gap - I don’t understand them because stuff and the image that comes with having objects just isn’t important to me. What is important is I want my employees to understand that I appreciate them, their ideas and work. Their metrosexuality makes me uncomfortable and I hide when they start with it. Please explain what to do. It would be appreciated.
@k -
“What is important is I want my employees to understand that I appreciate them, their ideas and work. Their metrosexuality makes me uncomfortable and I hide when they start with it.”
I’m honestly not sure what the problem is that you’re seeing. Do you believe your employees feel underappreciated? If so, what has given you that impression? If your employees are doing good work and receiving appropriate reward for it (both financially and non-financially, as in verbal/written praise, training opportunities, etc.), then I believe you’ve lived up to your end of the bargain. Nothing else really needs to enter the equation.
This may put me in the minority, but in the variety of managers/mentors I’ve had, inevitably, my male managers/mentors have:
- been the easiest to work with
- given me the best opportunities to advance and improve my skills
- continue to provide good advice and guidance
Perhaps it’s a little bit of my own background - I grew up in a house full of brothers, so maybe I relate to them better. Not being a girly-girl, I’ve never played well with the other women in my office. My 2 female bosses, while starting out well, have ended up undercutting me to the point where I felt the need to leave both jobs.
Furthermore, I work in financial IT, a male-dominated field if there ever was. Working well with other men, most of who are going to sit at the top of the pecking order, is a requirement to advance. While I’ve always wanted a female mentor, they’ve been in short supply, so I’ve resigned myself to seeking out male managers/mentors because past performance from them has been topnotch.
In order to have functional, rewarding relationships with each other, both men and women need to understand the importance of being androgynous. It’s always difficult for men and women to relate to one another if all that men can talk about are “guy” things like football and video games, and all women can talk about is their split ends and Grey’s Anatomy.
The best situations I have found myself in– be it work, school, living quarters, or going out and having fun– are those where I am in mixed company. Balance and perspective are important to making any team work. This often means having a mixture of males and females, but it also means having a mixture of personalities– for example, not just “stereotypical” males and females but people with characteristics all over the spectrum. In order to connect with a lot of people, you have to be a complex and diverse person yourself. Have a wide range of interests, broaden your sphere of influences, and think about things that don’t necessarily relate to you or affect you directly. If you do these things, you will be more interesting and you will have more rewarding relationships with all types of people, both male and female, both in and out of the workplace.
I think what you’re getting at too, is that there’s a huge gap between the college world and the work world. In college we can be ourselves, 100% completely, but, as soon as we go to work, there’s political correctness, things you can’t talk about, rules, and we end up leaving half our personality at home. I don’t think it should be that way. And really, an experienced leader, whether man or woman, should be thoughtful enough to know how lonely it is when you can’t talk about the things you like or what you did last weekend or last year, and they should give space for that, and its really their job to help set the atmosphere so that everyone who works together can find common ground.