Here's My Resume, Wanna Make Out?

Published by jackiedc on September 17th, 2007 in Career Development, Employment, Recruiting, Work, Work/Life | 32 Comments

Looking at job postings is like perusing an online dating site. I wonder if my skill set (hobbies and interests) is compatible with the company's needs ("ideal mate" description). Will the company (he) ask me back (out) for a second interview (date)? What if I talk too much? Maybe the company (he) interviewed (dated) someone else you who raised the stakes (put out super fast). Or perhaps the other candidates (other girls) had better credentials (larger breasts).

Job interviewing and dating are concoctions of a similar beast. The former can provoke anxiety during the waiting game that ensues between an interview and a much-hoped-for offer, while the latter, an ever-scarier monster, can also make a level-headed woman crazy as she eyes her cell phone in the days following a good date.

If job interviewing seems like an unfortunate pattern of bad dates, it's because the same feelings of disillusionment and hypertension find you when you're in search of a good career.

Think back to your first interview as a recent college grad when your perspective on the world was that it wanted you. Now ponder your adolescence, when in spite of braces and blemishes, you also believed that someone wanted you.

First interview (kiss) jitters over whether the interviewer (he) would notice if you really meant (knew) what you were saying (doing) had you practicing responses in advance (making out with your hand). Even if that first interview wasn't the job (guy) of your dreams, saturated in administrative tasks (he had a severe lisp), it was practice and you had to start somewhere. In time, you paid your dues (he was shorter than you) and developed the confidence to pursue something (someone) better (taller).

Responding to a resume is a lot like flirtation. Even the automated response from an online app sends your opportunistic heart aflutter. The prospective employer seems to be interested, but you can never be entirely sure.

Maybe it's a testing of the waters to see how worthy (beautiful) a candidate they can acquire (attract). However, genuine or dishonorable the employer's intentions are for having you waste precious vacation time and lead co-workers to believe you are sickly (another doctor's appointment??), you prepare for an interview much like you would a date, thinking of key successes to mention (no STDs here!) and selecting an outfit to match the company's culture (heels low enough so as not to be taller than him).

The interview provokes that giddy feeling of meeting someone new. You deceive yourself into thinking that this position will be void of the pitfalls of your current job (he'll be different from the other ones). Don't get your hopes up too fast, ladies.

There's another candidate (female archetype) who could just as easily get the position (him), despite your far superior portfolio (unique charm). And if the position presented in person sounds (looks) nothing like the job description (his picture) you read (saw) in the paper (online), then you'll regret dry-cleaning that suit (shaving your legs).

During an interview, the etiquette for both vested parties (love seekers) is an uncertain terrain where manners are subjective and the right answer is usually forced (faking "it"). Think of the "Can I get you anything?" question posed on the long hallway (wedding aisle) to the interview room. Sure. You'd love some coffee, because ingesting something and being articulate simultaneously is a reasonable behavioral expectation. Only if a stained, collared button down shirt advances one's candidacy should you accept a beverage (kiss on the first date). Mind your manners, fellow job seekers (hopeless romantics).

When the interviewer is a woman, you find yourself eyeing her left hand ring finger, looking for sparkles that add a shiny layer of self-torture to the hire-me equation. You have an enviable job and found a man fearless in the face of commitment? Who are you, Wonder Woman? And it looks like these rare breeds do Pilates. Regularly.

Irrespective of gender, the interview afterbirth carries the expectation that you will make the next move with a hand written note of thanks. Yes, thank you for making me recount my strengths and weaknesses. It was great fun.

Then, you wait. You wait for a resolution, and the more time that passes, you consider temping (prostitution). Hang in there. It's a dirty world and you don't want to work for (sleep with) just anybody. A week passes, maybe two, and then you become frantic. If there had been a second interview, you shed a layer of feminism in your why-aren't-they-calling sob-infused rant. A second interview (date) means the feelings must be mutual, right?

In an effort to be proactive (move on, "Sister"), you sign on with a recruitment agency and the theme lyric for your headhunter becomes, "Matchmaker, matchmaker make me a match." If you can't land a job on your own, maybe a headhunter has a good listing on file (knows someone who hasn't been divorced twice). Don't let this be a rebound phase where you interview for positions you don't even want (guys you'd never bring home to Mom and Dad).

Such heartache we endure for $.81 to a man's dollar.

Here writes a variation of many young women in their early twenties with an impressive resume (love to give) and no job offers (no one to share it with). Devastation crept upon me when a pronounced lull followed two stellar interviews (dates with "Prince Charming").

The prospective employer (future father of my children) responded to a late night are-you-going-to-hire-me-or-what email within minutes, citing his wife's imminent inducement of labor as reason for the delay. But he chose another candidate. Wait, so I'm not getting the position and you're having a baby with someone else?

He told me I had great skills. ("It's not you, it's me.")