Maybe I Just Need a Girlfriend…

Nice post, Ryan.

Having recently ended a two-year relationship, I can now see your previous point about relationships limiting your options a bit. I'm not embarking on this great career adventure that I never would have considered if I was still in that relationship, for all kinds of reasons.

At the same time, this post also has some great points. Having someone to share your life with gives you a whole new sense of purpose in your life that can't help but translate into your work.

For twentysomethings, I think that the most important factor in balancing the limitations and purpose of a committed relationship is timing.

Edit – I'm NOW embarking on an adventure I NEVER would have considered.

Oh, Ryan. Nice concession to your readers (and me). But it's quite obvious you don't believe what you're saying. Good of you to print the other side though…

@Rebecca: I knew you'd like it. I'm a little disapointed though. I do believe these things to be true, just not as a 23-year-old Gen-Y. 8-10 years down the line — absolutely.

@Jacqui: Good luck with your new adventure. I'm glad to hear you're NOW doing it, instead of NOT doing it. Enjoy.

My own marriage has taught me a thing or two about how to better operate in the business world.

I love my husband. He's a smart guy who also happens to be a bit of contrarian. He also tends to argue using logic rather than his gut or his heart.

Since meeting and marrying him (and of course arguing with him), my own communication style has altered. I find my arguing or discussion style has become less heart-focused and more logical. This has been tremendously helpful in a work environment where the bottom line doesn't care what your heart feels.

Being married has also forced me to learn how to compromise and negotiate; again, two skills that are incredibly important in a work environment. I have the addded benefit of being a stepmother which means I also have to negotiate and compromise not only with my husband but also his ex-wife.

While there certainly are perks to being single in the working world, I would say there are a few hidden benefits to marriage that not everyone considers.

I don't know why anyone thinks one side is inherently better or worse than the other. I think we can all agree it's not something that you should think you must be single at all costs, or have to be with someone no matter what. If you take that approach, you're severely limiting your future opportunities. It works both ways. Be open to what's around you, and roll with it.

I guess I just never got the whole argument. Similarly pinpointing an age that you think is ideal I also don't get. What's going to change in the next 8 years? Why would you do something now you wouldn't do then? Vice versa. I am so completely at a loss when people start this conversation that I can't even think of appropriate questions to find out why someone would take any stance on the issue…

Ryan, good follow up….though I do agree with Rebecca, it seems like you're retelling other peoples opinions. Nevertheless, thanks for showing us there is always two sides to the story….each with very valid points.

@Erin: Thanks for sharing. I think it's interesting that marriage has increaased your skillset. I guess it makes sense. It's experience to grow.

@Nathan: I think one thing that's been repeated is that there's really no right or wrong answer. When you're dealing with emotional issues, the answer is different for everybody.

A good question you bring up: What's going to change in the next 8 years?

Responsibility, settling down, everything I'm against as a 23 year old.

Why would you do something now that you wouldn't do then?

When I talk to older co-workers about my soon-to-be plans they say, "It's good you're doing it now." Why? Because they recognize their competing responsibilites. They wouldn't do what I want to do NOW at their age.

I think the reason people take a stance on issues like this is similar to the reason we take a stance on any issue. It's how we rationalize our choices. Nobody's right or wrong.

This issue is just extremely open-ended. So I absolutely feel your frustration with it.

@Gina: I'm glad you enjoyed the follow-up. I think it was inevitable that this piece would be based off of other people's opinions. I read over everyone's comments to "Ball and Chain" for a week, talked to a few married friends, etc. I never expected it to be true to my own opinion, that would be fake. I'd never do that. Like I said in my intro, it even took a few sappy love songs to really get me going.

But still, part of me agrees with these things. It's a small part that I'm sure will EVENTUALLY consume my love for being a bachelor, but it's there, and I want to let everyone to know I recognize it.

I'd say this is an area where life comes at us, not so much where we get to choose. If you meet the love of your life, then hanging on tight is the only way to go: and if you don't exploit the freedom of singlehood, you're just as daft.

Or, here are the boomer ideas to be wary of: the idea that you can meet someone and settle down on demand whenever you finally get around to it, and the idea that relationships can be safely/ appropriately put on ice for the sake of careers.

So Ryan- have a great time! And everyone else too

I strongly agree with you Ryan. My own 4 year relationship (and still going strong btw) has been the greatest source of inspiration and strength for me. It is actually ironic then that we got together around the time I got into law school. 4 years of stress, hard work and often minimal quality time with my girlfriend hasn't changed how I feel, nor has it changed how she feels about me. Although I do admit it did make for some difficult times!

Yet I find myself working and striving hard in law school here in the Philippines precisely because I want to provide for my girlfriend in the future and make her happy. To hear her words of approval at my (few) academic or extra curricular achievements is enough to keep me going. And when law school stress gets to be too much, I know I can count on her to inspire me, or at least to give me hope. One day, when I graduate and finish law school and embark on my legal career, I will point towards one person as mmy most constant source or strength. And its obvious who that would be.

Girlfriends. You gotta love them. Really.

"Or, here are the boomer ideas to be wary of: the idea that you can meet someone and settle down on demand whenever you finally get around to it, and the idea that relationships can be safely/ appropriately put on ice for the sake of careers."

These sound more like GenX ideas, or possibly very late boomers. (I'd have thought the traditional boomer idea was to assume marriage directly after graduating as a simple fact of life, much like death and taxes.) But either way, they do fail to take basic human emotion or biology into account.

The bottom line as I see it: plan ahead as best you can, but sometimes you're still going to have to work with what's in front of you. "True love" may find young Ryan when he least expects it, in which case I'm sure he'll deal with it, but that doesn't mean he has to go looking for it before he's ready to.

Late boomers/ early gen X-ers maybe- I'm especially thinking of very career-driven (post) feminist women, because that's always my own annoying inner critic

@Alice: if you haven't seen it, there's an interesting recent post from Lauren on the original "ball and chain" article along these same lines. I really feel for her, and for a lot of women (and I guess couples too) who are in a similar situation, and feeling bamboozled for trying to live up to other people's expectations of what they should be doing with their youth, while the biological clock ran itself out.

I liked this article a lot less than the previous. I think it depends on the relative spectrum of success (which everyone defines differently for his or her own life). While I agree that it's nice, sometimes valuable, having that support, there are situations (or state of minds) when having a significant other and/or family is a burden, even if the person doesn't consciously think so. Perhaps the issue here is that proverbial question of what we define as success. After reading a lot of the comments, I noticed that many people who argued for relationships/family was defining success as 'happiness.' but if we think of success as a tangible/itemized/material goal such as say, making X amount of money, or making an invention, or building a business (and these are all reasonable goals), then, I do think that having a family, or a relationship, would very likely play a role in needing to reprioritize or make sacrifices (often from oneself) – from the pure fact that you only have so much energy and time in a day. Now, making that choice to spend time with your boyfriend because it makes you feel emotionally fulfilled – that's success only when you change your definition of success.

Ryan. Props on being honest and writing on a rather controversial topic.

I agree with Rebecca that it's clear you don't believe what you're saying (and believing it in 8-10 years doesn't count as believing it) in this post. . . and I find it both amusing and frustrating. As much as I hate to attribute it to gender differences, I kind of think it is.

Granted, I'm a happily single gal, who's focus is on getting an MBA, forwarding my career, and establishing myself, and I don't feel like I need a relationship to do that. (I've had 2 very long relationships, so I've experienced both sides of the coin now.) But I think it's unnecessarily limiting to "decide" something like this with an X factor in the place of the other person. As much as I hate to say it, that's potentially because I'm a girl (the gender differences I mentioned), but I also think it allows for greater happiness, personally.

Relationships can limit, or they can open up possibilities. But the really limiting thing is deciding which is right for you on the basis of itself, and not the other person involved. It's the same with jobs—if the perfect job offer came in tomorrow, wouldn't you want to be able to take it? Relationships are the same way. It's not whether A relationship is right at the time, it's whether THE relationship is right at the time.

Of course, I know a lot of male friends who don't think that way, who wait to sort the rest of their life out, want to be in the right location, want to have the right amount of money, and then they'll consider serious relationships. Some of those men have regrets about that (girls they let get away), and some don't. The fact is, no matter what path we choose, there are things we miss out on. Accepting that is key to growing up: We can't have it all.

Do relationships limit us? Of course. Every choice we make limits us. That's why people have trouble making choices — they're placing limits on themselves. But without decisions, without making choices, we have chaos, and that doesn't get us very far either. It's about balance and making good choices.

The perfect relationship isn't one that never limits you. It's one that creates limits that further happiness and success all around. As far as older co-workers admitting that the "time" to do certain things is when you're young, well, it's a natural inclination based on the fact that time and aging — not just family responsibilities — begins to limit us more. But if you really want something — a relationship, a job, your own business, whatever — you make it the right time. That's discipline and self awareness, which (in my observation) are two of three keys to happiness, along with open-mindedness.

Well done Ryan. Couldn't have said it better myself

And congratulations on announcing the company today! I wish nothing but the best for you! Good luck in the future and please keep in touch!

next time you need to write about someone young, hip, hop, happening, awesome, successful, and married– don't forget about your delightful cousin.

Ryan,

It really doesn't make sense for you to write this. You don't agree with it. If you're going to write something, you should stand by it, not take the counter-arguments and assemble them into a half-hearted post where you clearly state you don't even agree with what you are saying. If you wanted to present the other side, you should have let someone else who's married (like me =D) write a post about what being married has done for my career/life. It's something to think about in the future since you guys are trying to promote a community.

Monica,

I actually wrote this post on behalf of the people who most strongly disagreed with me. They sent me their emails and I compiled the best post I could come up with.

As always, anyone would have been welcome to write a post in response. But nobody really wanted to, so I did.

[...] On the other hand of the same argument, young men like Ryan Paugh are talking about the dilemma of whether or not to commit to a long-term romantic relationship or to take risks in their career early [...]