You Can't Save the World with a Ball and Chain

"Want to be a leader? Want to help "change the world?" Get accustomed to being single. Leaders who are emotionally committed to another person typically can't hack it."

This phrase shows just how clueless you really are.

Ryan, you may be entirely right about this, but eesh, it feels like a tall order unless you happen to live in a monastery. I admire you the same way I admire clergy and the military: you're making a sacrifice in the interest of saving the world, in ways that the rest of us won't.

Three thoughts to help shape perspective here:

1. "How can you be expected to invest your soul in an assignment, when you've already sold it off to something else?" Actually, I've found that it has less to do with your passion/"soul" somehow becoming diluted — I still feel passionate about the same things, even after marriage and two kids — and more to do with simply being responsible for another person or a family. When it's just you, and you take a risk, what's the worst that can happen? You lose the job; maybe move back in with your parents for a little while. Big deal. You could even live out of your car for a couple months if you had to. But once you have a commitment to someone else, your tolerance for risk changes.

2. It is entirely possible to find someone at least as passionate as you are about the same things, in which case your union could actually serve to inspire you rather than drain you.

3. And one small note of caution: there are risks associated with having children after a certain age, as I'm sure you know. If you are interested in eventually having a family, you may have to step up your timetable a little, even if you haven't quite finished saving the world yet. Or consider adoption, which is always noble.

I enjoyed this post. Go get 'em Ryan. I'll just cheer you on from here, if you don't mind.

This post makes me so sad. A sustainable, rich, rewarding life is about more to me than your narrowly defined view of what constitutes impact. If anything, you might find it easier to influence and relate to people (an important part of making an impact) if you adopted a more well-rounded view of the world.

To each his own, but this post made me unsubscribe your blog from my RSS reader. I don't expose myself to such harsh, stubborn, egotistical nonsense. If you are trying to be provacative for effect, you've succeeded, but may have gone too far.

I hope you reread your post in a few years and feel embarrassed – that awkward shame will be a sign that you've grown up and started using your many gifts effectively.

Agree and disagree. I am 24 and recently married. I have started 2 companies (one for and one not-for-profit) plus hold down a 9-5. One of the companies is run by both my wife and myself. Now I do agree that pulling an all nighter is pretty out of the question to get an assignment done or grind out some work, but if both parties understand the importance of building that initial foundation, success is surely possible. I have high dreams beyond the cubicle 9-5 and marriage isn't the thing holding me back, my mortgage is!

But I am also on the other side of the fence as well. I was in a position where I could have jumped in a van and toured the country going for broke and never did because of the fact that I had to be there for someone and couldn't blow what little funds I did have in the bank. Had a been single, you know I would be still in a van trying to be the biggest superstar in the world. Still have those dreams they have just been put on hold to pay those darn mortgage payments.

Can see both sides, in fact I live them, but could not be more happy being young and married. And the dreams are still there and are actually being put into reality!

I'm not usually one to write comments to blog posts, but this one touched a nerve. I guess there are people out there who aren't good at sharing themselves, and those people probably have trouble understanding how to live a life and be successful at work, but someone who is in a good relationship should be able to be more successful at their job.

After reading your post I went into my company's datawarehouse and ran a report on the number of hours worked over last year, checked it against marital status and found that of the number of people who worked more than 8 hours a day, a larger percent of them were married than unwed. And if you consider that I don't have data on which of them are in a serious relationship (i.e livin in sin) the number is most likely even more skewed in favor of people in a relationship than out of one. I also looked at the people who were promoted to VP or higher in the last few years, and almost all of them are married. And finally, when I look back over the past several years to employees that had problems focusing on their work and had to be counseled and put on performance improvement plans, they were all single.

However, that is just data from one source, and your comments are most likely true for a portion of the population. There are always going to be people who cannot balance life and work, and for those people or the people who are in selfish or one sided relationships your comments make sense. But if you have found the person who wants you to succeed just as much as they want to succeed, the person who does your laundry just as often as you do theirs, then you have much higher potential in your carreer. And I'm willing to bet that you'll find much more data supporting that view than you will finding data to support the celibacy leads to success theory.

Ryan, there is much more to leadership and "changing the world" than being a business hotshot. You have a terrific thing going here with this website, and I presume in your career and personal life as well. Don't waste your time rationalizing personal biases via your writing (a la Penelope Trunk) when you have so much more to offer the world.

I'm a little bit disappointed in this post. You seem to be coming from the career-first mentality that I typically associate with the baby boomers. I thought we millenials were supposed to be valuing personal development over money and prestige.

My career is a means, not an end. It's a means to giving myself the financial wherewithal to live the life I want to live. Yes, the life I want to live includes a job that I can be excited about, but my job is not my life. If I find someone who I love and with whom I want to enter into a serious relationship, then I'm going to follow my heart instead of my wallet.

I think this goes both ways, and really it all comes down to how you handle the situation. I have friends who are married (22-25 crowd) and the typical "tied down" feeling ensued. You get the same "where'd _____ go?" questions, your stereotypical scenario. Obviously the one Ryan is painting a portrait of.

But I've got other friends who, though similarly married, haven't been happier. Their lives, despite the warnings, didn't end, and truthfully not much has changed from the college years. While not married, I do live with my girlfriend, and haven't really had to give up any dreams. Sure some things changed a little, but really just revisions on the same dreams I always had. I think like Sean said, it is also entirely possible that you find someone and together you help encourage and support things that you wouldn't have tried on your own.

All in all, living somewhere in the middle, I think it's all how it's approached and what expectations and support you're giving each other.

You're not serious are you? If you view marriage…and then later, children, as a ball and chain, then I guess you will get what you expect out of it. Your spouse is your PARTNER, not just some obligation-creating annoyance that will drag you down.

Do you mean to stop "changing the world" once you decide to "settle down?" You will find that changing the world becomes even more important when your family lives in that world. You will need to learn how to maintain the attitude you have now; otherwise you will blame your family for limiting you. Sure, a lot of things are easier when you don't have to care about anyone but yourself…but isn't the whole point of making a difference in the world based on the idea that you DO CARE? It is easier to rationalize that you care for strangers than to care for the people in your life and actually do something that matters.

Thanks for all of the comments thus far. I'm glad everyone doesn't agree with me because, quite frankly, it's an issue that can go either way depending on the individual. I'm not going to direct my response to anyone in particular, but here it goes:

First off, don't look at my commitments as an oath of celibacy. I date all the time, and I would never encourage anyone not to. I just encourage people to think twice about the long-term commitments they make in the area of romance while they're young.

I'm pretty light with things, so when I call marriage "the ball and chain" don't take it personally. In fact, my views on marriage are pretty positive. And if things go the way I hope, I can see myself ready to find someone special by my early 30's. But for now I'd rather not think about it.

When I do "settle down" I won't close up shop and give up on the world saving, but I'm not oblivious to the fact that my priorities are going to have to take a shift, being a family man requires it. That's the point behind being so engaged at a young age, you have the time and the lack of commitment to other things.

I intend to maintain my current attitudes throughout my life, but I know that once I'm committed to my wife ad kids I won't be able to do all of the things I expect to do in my twenties. I'd be a terrible husband and father for it.

I feel compelled to say one more thing. Apologies to people who are offended. Relationships are a touchy subject, but important to talk about considering who you choose to allow enter your life can change your world. I'm also sorry that someone actually unsubscribed to Employee Evolution because of it, but let me offer you a better solution: come back, gather your thoughts and tell me why I'm wrong. Disagreement is more than welcome.

Well, thank you GUYS for giving me and all the young women out there a glimmer of hope.

This article is exactly what my girlfriends and I were discussing. It's like a new trend….. Guys wanting to live the frat/bachelor lifestyle years after they have graduated college. Was 4 years of college not enough? No wonder why 50% of marriages end in divorce!

"Want to be a leader? Want to help "change the world?" Get accustomed to being single. Leaders who are emotionally committed to another person typically can't hack it." I'm sorry; I didn't know that "changing the world" meant that you need to be narcissistic and selfish. Is that not a complete contradiction?! So when you finally "change the world" who will you have to share your success with? Yourself?? How rewarding can it really be if you don't have someone to share it with?

I understand that "Watching fresh out of college twentysomethings "tie the knot" is a total mind-blow." I agree with you completely! I don't believe that anyone should be rushing to get married just because "it's about time". I'm not in a relationship, but if I was I couldn't see getting married at the brink of my career. I understand we aren't living in our parent's generation.

However, that thing that upsets me the most …."Maybe I'm crazy, but if you're as steadfast about capturing your dreams as I am, you have to stay as far away from matrimony as possible. And serious relationships? They're a bust too" That's right I forgot, women aren't allowed to have the same powerful hopes and dreams for their careers as men do. I honestly feel bad for you Ryan, because the girls (I refrain from saying women) you've been in relationships with couldn't have had any bit of intelligence or drive. Think about what a wonderful lasting relationship could be when two driven and motivated people join together to support and encourage each other. Sounds like the key to reaching my silver anniversary!

@Gina: I'm sorry if I said anything that made you presume that a women's career is less important than a man's. I don't think I did though.

I recently read an interesting article, that I wish I could find right now, suggesting that more females would agree with my P.O.V. than men. Who knows how skewed those stats are, but I think it's worth noting.

In fact, I know many women that enjoy the bachelor lifestyle just as much as men do.

It's funny that you mention the relationships I've had. One of the last serious ones ended a few months after my college graduation. It ended because she knew it was time to focus on her goals and broke it off. I respected her for it and now share the same attitude.

I think we should all give Ryan a break here. I'm young and just got married, so of course I completely disagree just like everyone else, but I think it generally takes meeting the right person to not feel this way about relationships — I know it did for me. Ryan, just to give you an opposing (completely practical) perspective, I can argue that if anything, having a serious boyfriend (now husband!) helps me be more ambitious and committed to reaching my goals:

- I can focus on my career and on improving myself, instead of worrying about the latest drama with my boyfriend-of-the-week like I did before.
- If I need help with a career issue (or any issue really), or just someone to cook me dinner on a night when I'm home late and tired, there's someone who's always got my back. I return the favor, of course.
- Since the husband is just as committed to his goals, we inspire, motivate and encourage each other, instead of standing in each others' way. I'm not sure why you view a wife as someone who will just hold you back.
- If I want to go to grad school, or quit my job to take some sort of crazy risk, I've got another person's income and ideas to back me up. Joining forces and combining resources and all that.

I predict that at some point a serious girlfriend or wife will start sounding a lot more like an asset than a liability. And I don't think you can pre-plan that time to be in your early thirties… it'll be whenever you meet her!

I don't always agree with everything Ryan writes — and this article is no exception — but I'm a little sad to see Gina trying to turn it into some kind of gender issue. I happen to agree with much of what she says, but I'm really not sure where the gender spin is coming from.

@Gina: what about Ryan's article says to you, "boys only"?

Ball and Chain is such a frat boy term.

There's the saying that on their deathbed no one says "I only wish I spent more time at the office."

In the end, my friends, Love and Friendship are all that matter.

@Marina: Thanks for the support. I don't expect anyone to give me a break though. I'm making some bold statements, I'm glad there's resistance.

You're right, it's always good to have someone who supports your goals. And a loving spouse is the perfect person to do it. Luckily I have great friends and a loving family. So I don't feel as if I'm missing out on the support aspect by not having a steady girlfriend in my life.

I think the big fallacy in Ryan's argument is that you have some CHOICE about getting married.

No, I'm not talking about getting married because someone got pregnant. I'm talking about falling in love, and realizing that you want to spend the rest of your life with someone. Like Billy Crystal said in the movie "When Harry Met Sally" – "When you realize that you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible!"

At that point you're hooked. It doesn't matter if you are married or not. This person is still in your life and you are no longer foot loose and fancy free. Everything changes. You can't ignore this person while you focus on work. You can't move to another city without considering the impact on the relationship. There is no choice, unless you can turn off your emotions. I hope there aren't too many people like that out there.

So you can try to avoid marriage. You can try to avoid serious relationships. But when you meet that right person, BAM! You're history.

Ryan hasn't met that person yet.

I wish I could be there to remind him of this post when he does!

@Tim: You're right, it's really frat boy. But you should know by now that I love to use slang. It's nothing personal against married people, the sanctity of marriage, etc.

Although I used an office-related example in my post, I don't mean to suggest that the hours you spend at the office are more meaningful than those you spend with loved ones.

I think Gen-Y has many work-related goals that don't depend on hours, wage, position, etc. Things that are proof that we've made a difference. That's the element I'm really concerned with.

One my death bed, I'll definitely be thinking of my friends and family, but I'll also be mindful of the mark I left behind.

@Scott:You're right, you can't control it. But I also think there's people out there searchig high and low for a mate when they should just be focused on themselves, achieving their goals, and making a difference while you're young and commitment.

Ryan,

Your statement isn't bold. It's an old and tired cliche.

By the way, why are you sitting around drinking beers and watching highlights on ESPN? You should be out changing the world!

It's a typical weekday evening at your house, you say? Yeah, sure, that sounds a lot better than hanging out with the love of your life.

@Tim: Trying to change the world is tiring. Don't I deserve a beer with the boys at the end of a hard day?

I'm 23-years-old, and I enjoy my life. I'm sure I'll enjoy the years I spend with the love of my life too, but for now, watching sports with the guys is rewarding enough.

Ryan,

The mark you leave behind, the only true and meaningful mark, is the one you leave on your wife, children, family and friends.

I'm not suggesting, by any means, not to work to leave your mark on the world in other ways, but in the end you're completely replacable at the office. Everyone is.

The only ones that truly, truly need you and love you is your family and friends.

I guess it all gets down to priorities. If having shallow sexual escapades while pursuing your career is what's most important to you, then you are on the right path.

I for one think that being married and having a wife to confide in and share my experiences with is a benefit to my career, as well as hers. It may make it so I cannot work 60 hours a week, but why would I want to anyway. I don't think that work alone can make life fulfilling, but a happy marriage CAN and does do it on it's own.

Just my $0.02…..

@Tim

EXCELLENT COMMENT. You hit it right on the nose!

Ryan,

Okay, one beer for a hard day working to change the world. A six pack of Sierra Nevada if you do change the world–but only if you change it for the better!

@Tim

My TV Remote truly loves me and don't you try and convince me otherwise!

I know everyone (myself included) is giving you a hard time. But let me start by saying, your not alone and I know many of my guy friends unfortunately hold similar views.

@ Sean: I apologize for the presumption. I am by no means some raging feminist. I just took it from the perspective of the author. Ryan shared these ideas and thoughts with "Three guys sitting around drinking some beers" It's hard not to assume he was directing it towards women but I understand the article doesn't specifically discuss gender. I was just trying to make a point BOTH partners CAN have goals AND be in a relationship. It seems like

@ Tamara: I'm very disappointed you would actually unsubscribe after this one post. I have been a faithful reader of Employee Evolution and will continue to be even though I share a different opinion. A difference in opinions makes this world go around!

@Ryan: If you do come across that article about women agreeing with your POV, I would be really interested in reading it. I definitely enjoy being single but if the right person comes along tomorrow I don't think I should hesitate about being in a relationship just because I have career objectives. I appreciate your honesty on the topic, but it just confirms for me that I guess I really don't really want to know what guys talk about when they're sitting around downing a few cold ones.

I think this article comes from a very narrow view of marriage and committed relationships. I've been with my fiance since I was 21, and the only way I'm restricted is that I only get to sleep with one person, which I'm quite happy with. Quality not quantity you know… Otherwise he enhances my life, not detract from it.

It's also a bit of a copout to insult people ("ball and chain") and then say you're just being light-hearted. If you're going to call women names, at least have the balls to stand behind it.

@Mary-Ann: I'm sorry you were offended. I am a little light with my posts as you pointed out. I never considered "ball and chain" to be offensive to women. I still don't.

In fact, I know a few women who actually call their husband the old "ball and chain" as a joke.

It can go both ways right?

Ryan,

Achieving career success in the manner you've described is actually one of the main reasons we have so many unhappy workers in America. By doing what you suggest, you may reach your career goals, but as so many of the comments above point out, at what cost personally? I've worked with literally hundreds of professionally successful executives who are very unhappy in life. Many of them end up self-medicating via food, alcohol, shopping addictions, etc. So, I pose the question: Will you honestly be able to call it 'success' if the rest of your life suffers to achieve it?

BTW – one of the major trends in identifying successful future leaders these days is looking at their ability to focus on creating a successful life via a satisfying career. It's time we make a conscious effort to put leaders in charge who don't just talk about work-life balance, they live it! In short, we need better professional role models.

I'll close by sharing this: I can tell you that the greatest professional and personal successes in my life have all occurred since getting married and having kids. My husband and children bring out the best in me, I couldn't be more grateful for having them in my life. Let me also share that I have personal knowledge of what you suggest – I was my first client! 40 lbs overweight, out of shape, with high blood pressure and lousy relationships with everyone in my life that matter, I learned the hard way that I was a terrible role model. My Ah-ha Moment came when I realized my children would get their idea of how to build a successful life from watching me. Needless to say, I gave myself an 'extreme career makeover.' I consider myself lucky for figuring it out in time.

Wow, what a mess. I can't tell if people are reading too much into this article or too little. I know Ryan appreciates and encourages the resistance, but a lot of people seem to be reacting to facets of the article that are beside the point and that I'm not sure are even really there.

@JT: I agree that leaders need to be role models, live the work-life balance and encourage people to follow. In fact, I do just that right now.

My personally life is very fulfilling. I have great relationships with my friends and family. And I still manage to work hard toward achieving my goals.

I wouldn't be able to call it "success" any other way.

My main point, and I feel like Sean is right about things getting lost in translation, is that young people who seek out long-term relationships and marriage are limiting themselves. By all means, if you have that special someone and you don't want to lose them, make a commitment and be happy, but don't go looking for responsibilities that you really don't need yet.

I never really considered myself a role model, but honestly, if I can manage the work-life balance, work towards my goals and be independent and free while doing so, what am I doing wrong?

If I got an offer from my company to travel the world tomorrow, I'd have no inhibitions. Someone in a serious relationship is bound to have a few. At this point in my life, I'd rather have none.

Thanks as always for sharing your thoughts.

END OF THE DAY THOUGHTS:

So this has certainly been an interesting day. Hope I didn't make too many enemies out there. I definitely respect and understand the variety of opinions people have shared today. It's obviously a sensitive subject considering that everyone has different experiences when it comes to relationships.

I myself have a had quite a variety – some mature, others not so much. Through my experiences though, I've learned that a significant other is not something I'm going to make a quest out of. I've got bigger fish to fry. Meanwhile, I get plenty of fulfillment from my friends and family who support me 100 percent.

Because the variety of opinions today intrigued me so much, I'm planning on writing a follow up on Gen-Ys who embrace early marriage. It's only fair since I got so many people so fired up.

And don't worry, this doesn't mean that Employee Evolution is going to go Cosmo on you or anything. I only want to follow up to show that I respect both sides of the argument, even though I only agree with one. After that, I'm done with relationship talk for a little while. I'm obviously not the guy to be giving advice on that subject anyway.

If anyone feels passionate enough about today's post and wishes to give me an in-depth look into why marriage and serious relationships strengthen your ability to succeed early in life, please send me an e-mail (ryanpaugh@employeeevolution.com). Maybe I'll use you in my post.

Again, thanks for all of the comments. Even though this is probably my last response for the day, keep the dialogue going. It's been great so far.

Have a good night.

My main point, and I feel like Sean is right about things getting lost in translation, is that young people who seek out long-term relationships and marriage are limiting themselves.

@Ryan – I think it's just the way this specific wording is being interpreted. It seems there are many (myself included) simply disagree with this on a fundamental level. Symantics aside, it seems to be the message that you're conveying is that you have to choose one or the other, and that is often times not the case. Obviously you know, I'm sure you have substantial relationships with friends and family, and you maintain dedication to your career. Personal relationships and your ambitions do not have to be mutually exclusive, and though you're agree with that in some parts of your post, you're disagreeing with it in others.

I agree with the more recent posts about something getting lost in the translation.

The problem I had in seeing Ryan's point of view, was that I could not imagine anyone 'seeking' to get married. Or being able to actually 'decide' to get married at an early age. I mean, do you just pick a person right out of college and say "this one is good enough?" Who does that?

To me, marriage is just something that happens. Sometimes it happens early in life, sometimes it happens later (I was 27). And you can't really make a choice to avoid it to focus on your career. You can't decide when it's gonna happen.

So I guess that's my point of view. Perhaps that's what was confusing others as well.

I think what Ryan stumbled upon is that people in our generation have strong and uncertain opinions regarding marriage. I don't think Ryan is anti-marriage or anything of the sort but I do feel that there is a strong sentiment among young people that marriage is something we can do without. Since I am a young guy who believes wholeheartedly in marriage and family life, it pains me to see so many of my peers writing it off without wholly considering what marriage means.

So many of us grew up in households of divorce, or had parents who never should have been married in the first place but stayed together for irrational reasons. It's easy to see how young people could be turned off by the idea of marriage.

But part of our duty as the up-and-coming generation is to determine if marriage is for us, what it means to be married, and how we can redefine the institution of marriage (just as we're redefining the workplace) to fit our unique outlook on life.

It's an interesting discussion, for sure.

Ryan,

Firstly let me say that you are not the first person to put forth this hypothesis. As a young single 20-something, I have heard this train of thought from countless single friends climbing the corporate ladder. However, this argument is so weak that it is almost obvious that it is a justification for either getting dumped/dumping a possessive-wanting-to-get-married-asap gf (or bf)/break-up/inability to get a gf (or bf)/desire to live the bachelor life/avoiding commitment/my-friend-only-hangs-out-with-his-(or her)-gf-(or bf)-so-I-hate-all-people-in-relationships/etc. Now, let me say that there is absolutely nothing wrong with any of these things I have listed (I am sure the wise readers can think of more). So, you don't want to commit to your gf? What's the big deal. You are just not ready. You want to live the bachelor life forever? Who am I to judge you, bring on the Tequila shots. You think your friend is a douche cos since he got a gf he never hangs with you? Well maybe you should just stop whining and get new friends, but again who am I to judge?
Likewise, who are you to judge people who do want to get married early or be in serious relationships at an early age. Is there any evidence that you can show that not getting married early will help you rise faster/be more successful. Firstly, how would you even quantify success?
Your whole argument seems to be based on the seemingly intuitive observation that if you are in a relationship/married you will leave work early and your single colleague will be there to pick up the slack. Umm… are you serious? How many holes does this argument have? Most single people I know party way more and go out way more often. The only ones who actually stick around till late are the ones who can't get a guy/girl. And if you are going to say that the really really motivated ones both party and work hard, then whose to say the really really motivated ones cannot hold down a relationship and work hard as well. Dude it is dumb to even attempt an analysis of this sort on anything but hard cold data, and even then good luck getting a good sample. To attempt it based on intuition? Forgedaboudit. And haven't you heard? True knowledge is almost always counter-intuitive, otherwise we'd be all geniuses.

[...] Paugh's recent thoughts on relationships and career are downright blasphemous. I state my opinion with the utmost respect [...]

This post reminds me of something from my father's high school year book:

One senior boy had written that his greatest wish was "to be rich, really successful, and stay a bachelor."

He ended up marrying the captain of the volleyball team, not too long after high school.

But I do think your post discounts women, because you are overwhelmingly representing the male point of view. You are allowed more freedom in deciding to eschew a romantic partnership, because society expects men to be "career men." Women, on the other hand, are often reminded that they are expected (by family, friends, or the good advertising department of DeBeers) to get married, and then have children. Women don't have the same luxury in being single that men do. Ask your "bachelor life" living women friends how often they are asked "Do you have a boyfriend?" or any variant of the coupling question.

@Kate: I'm obviously not a women, but I see your point. Women are more pressured to get married or be in a relationship than men, but still, don't make decisions based on what you're family, friends and DeBeers expects. Make them because they're right for you.

"To be rich, really successful and stay a bachelor"

This isn't what I'm saying. I don't want to stay a bachelor forever, but I'm 23 years old and NOW just isn't the right time for me to settle down. I think anyone my age considering that type of long-term commitment should assess their goals and decide what's worth compromising. Maybe it's right for them, maybe it isn't. Everyone has different needs, hence, there really is no right or wrong answer.

[...] post is a follow-up to "You Can't Save the World with a Ball and Chain," a post where I boldly declared my opinion on twentysomething [...]

No matter what we want to believe, this is an issue that affects women more directly than men. I'm single at 29, and here's what I wish someone had told me when I was 21: you can't have children forever. I have focused on my career for the last eight years and wasted my time with men I wasn't interested in making a life with. I've got about five years left for a low-risk pregnancy, while men can have children into their 70s and beyond. Penelope Trunk has an interesting article on this topic that suggests that women who want to be mothers focus on that in their early 20s so they get some alone time with their future husbands before the kids show up. I don't know if I would be that extreme, but it's something that we women have to consider. Of course there is always adoption, but if you want the physical, biological and emotional experience of becoming a mother, there is such a thing as too late.

I'm going to stick up for Ryan a bit here.

@Tim "The mark you leave behind, the only true and meaningful mark, is the one you leave on your wife, children, family and friends."

I'll disagree 100%. The mark that Bill Gates has left behind with his foundation http://www.gatesfoundation.org/ is far larger than anything he has done for his wife, family or friends…it's bigger than that, he's literally made the world a better place for millions of people and has become the greatest philanthropist of our time.

What about Mother Theresa? Were her charitable missions not far more impactful on the world than what she did for her immediate family? The results of her works will help make our world a better place for centuries.

I tend to look at the entire world as one large family. I love my friends and family to death, but if that's all I cared about and focused on I'd be taking a selfish perspective on life and ignoring those in the rest of the world who could benefit from my talents and my time.

That's where I think Ryan is coming from.

@Lauren: I definitely feel for you. In that that respect, there's definitely more pressure on women to settle down than men. Of course, if you're a man seeking to start a family with someone your same age, it's also an issue. It's not too late though, 5 years is a long time. I'm sure everything will work out fine. Thanks for the perspective.

@Adam: Thanks. I think you see kind of where I was going. It's less about the workplace, climbing the ladder, etc. and more about the big impacts you can make on the world. I'd like to try and make that impact early, so I can also be a responsible parent and husband later. Both are equally as important if you view the entire world as 'one' family.

But again, once your a husband/wife and a father/mother, the rest of the world surely takes the back seat.

What an interesting discussion.

It's very interesting to read all the comments, ending up with Lauren's extremely sensible point about female fertility. Millennials do not want to spend their 40s having IVF treatment if they can help it, and of course this is an issue for women more than men and I doubt Ryan had it in mind when he wrote the post!

Another thing about Millennials is they do rightly want to have lasting marriages with partners they are genuinely compatible with: they don't want the nasty divorces of the 40 plus generation, or the loveless duty-driven unions of generations before that. And here's the thing about getting that right: you're not going to meet your soul mate every couple of weeks. First of all you need to be mature enough to recognise him/her when you meet, and secondly you need to take the opportunity when it's there. Dates grow on trees, but The One does not.

I think the key is openness to experiences: there are definitely people seeking out spouses too young and for all the wrong reasons (eg. avoiding everything else in life), as well as people waking up later in life wondering why they never quite got it together with the right partner and now it seems too late. Grab life, grab (real) love. Maybe women and men do need to make different choices at different times, and that's OK- they can always negotiate if necessary!

" … and of course this is an issue for women more than men … "

I realize we're hijacking this article and dragging it way off-topic, but I really wish we could get away from framing these kinds of issues by gender this way. Yes, we're talking about a woman's body and a woman's age — fair 'nough — but what about the man who happens to love that woman and was hoping to start a family? He is affected also.

Well you're right of course… but I had in mind people who were single and looking for partners when writing that. Single young men may not feel their wife's fertility is an issue before they have met her

Having said that, they may want to take a wider view and consider whether intelligent interesting women their age are still going to be available in their mid 30s, or whether a major social shift could be on the way, with wise men snapping up those women determined not to get left on the biological shelf early on. Just a thought.

In my experience, you meet your soul mate when you're living your life to its fullest anyway, not from trawling dating columns. Sorry Dr Phil.

And just to see if I can bring this discussion back to GenY, some of the irony here is that GenY seems to be growing up (and, therefore, ready for parenthood) a lot later than the generations that preceeded it. Of course the "normal" marrying age has been in an upswing for generations — it's not a new GenY thing — but GenY seems to be the generation that is finally bumping up against the actual biological ceiling when it comes to having a family.

Sean — re your last post, I agree that GenY is bumping HARD against the biological ceiling when it comes to having a family. My own personal circumstances and that of my girlfriend would be a case in point. We are both hitting 30 soon and have been together for a number of years, but haven't gotten married for a variety of reasons — one of which is my studies, since I am still in law school here in the Philippines (which, btw, takes 4 years instead of 3). Factor in the fact that whatever finances I have from when I used to work as a teacher and writer are wrapped up in that same law school's tuition, makes marriage a little difficult to consider at this point.

And yet, despite the age thing (and in the Philippines, getting married past 30 isn't really normal), we both still want to try and experience so much from the world, but the old "ball and chains" may be a hindrance for us. There's a tension here… we want to get married, but circumstances currently won't allow us that option. We want to do more with our lives, but getting married may get in the way. So what do we do? Well… at this point, we are muddling along, as I am sure many other Gen Y youngsters are doing. But despite all this, I am happy my girlfriend is sticking by me and staying by my side, and I at hers. That, at least, is a constant. And I hope that can also be a constant for the rest of my fellow GenYers…

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